Flirtatious Flop

Blair and I have a routine every morning, the alarm goes off around 6am and we stumble out of bed and he gets ready for work while I make his lunch, get his coffee and warm the house for the day.

Yesterday was like any other morning aside from the fact that I felt sexy. It has been a while since I have felt this sort of urge in the morning and I caught my own reflection in the window. My white short sleeve pj top was tight around my over ample breasts and for once they looked pretty pert.

I instantly got the flirt instinct.

Blair was busying himself around in the hallway and I expected him in the kitchen any minute. I sucked the ab in, put the shoulders back, had another check in the window and thought, he's gonna want to take me!!

Blair walked in, picked up his coffee, walked into the dining room and sat down to drink it. Damn, that didn't work.

In a couple of minutes I knew he'd be back in so I had to amp it up a bit. I went to the fridge and stuck the norks in as far as they could go, trying to stiffen the nipples so that they would attract him like a rabbit in headlights. I glanced down, not as effective as I had hoped, gave them a quick tweak, that worked.

Heard Blair approach the kitchen again, once again sucked in the ab and then had the brain wave to pretend I was putting my hair in a ponytail so that it lifted the girls into full view. By this time I was like a cat on hot bricks, hoping for even a wee bit of attention before my strong builder man left for work.

He walked towards me with a loving look and I thought "Come to Mama!"

He kissed me, said he loved me and off he went out the door.

What the fuck??

Do I need to stand nude with my arse in the air to attract my husband to be??

Any tips on surefire flirting tactics??

NB:**** From now on I will be leaving replies to your comments on the same comments page as you leave the comment on, so if you are looking for an answer check back later for it. I have seen this done on other blogs and it works quite effectively as you don't have to be bloghopping to give someone a reply.

Release the Hounds

I have a confession to make .......

I am not a nice polite person.

I never have been.

I swear too much.

I have often indulged in enough alcohol for about five women.

I love passionately my friends and family.

I am oversensitive to a lot of things.

I love sex.

I love attention but I loathe it also.

I am very emotional.

Did I mention I swear a lot?

I try to be a great mother but sometimes feel I lack the finesse.

I love the "alternative" side of life.

I love crystals and flowy skirts and sandals and incense and the spiritual unknown.

I own a vibrator and I use it.

I can be very manipulative.

I love laughing my tits off.

I swear a lot.

I am a procrastinator.

I love men, not just as sexual beings but as friends, I love the uncomplicated friendship of a male.

I was always one of the lads when I was younger hence the swearing and non worry with the regard to smut talk.

I am reinventing my blog (many thanks for the kick up the maximus rectus Steph).

I often display a very tame version of myself on this blog and have decided that it is overshadowing the hilarity within.

I hope no one gets offended but this blog is about to become more real in terms of who I am and what I enjoy.

I will be discussing body fluids, sex, masturbation (you know you do it!!), all along with children, weddings, and daily life. I am going to throw all aspects of myself into this blog as I need the release.

I understand if you must leave, but please say goodbye first.

Release the hounds!!!!

Be Grateful

Through the fabulous Cazzie, I was recently directed to Ella's Child, a blog written by a fabulous strong woman and it inspects every part of her soul. Written with a frankness that is rare, this woman has shown me how to be a selfless partner to my man. I often think of her and if anyone has a minute or two to spare, go and read her and if only a couple of seconds then read this post. She has just recently lost her beloved husband of around 35 years.

I am in a melancholy sort of mood today. I was up early and went to Christchurch to take Peta to the hospital for her final appointment at the eye outpatients. She has been discharged from their service and now just has to see an optometrist every 1 - 2 years.

It is sleety/snowy weather here and I have no motivation to do anything. I just want to curl up on the couch and watch Oprah or some other mindless crap!

I need water I think.

That is all.

What You Talkin' Bout Willis??

How can I resist this cheeky grin?



How can I resist these eyes?



I have been bad and I have been good. On Friday I walked twice for 45 minutes each time. Then I was a willing participant in the overindulgence of two bottles of coruba!! do da coruba!!!

Then I ate shit yesterday, well not literally shit because that would be bloody gross. I ate BK and I ate other gluten shit.

I have found a jukebox guy that will deliver a 50CD jukebox to Mt Potts, set it up and come back again the next day and pick it back up and it is costing me $250 all inclusive. WTF?? How can the dude be making any pingas?? He will have to do a total of about 10hours travel all up??

I haven't had much time to catch up on everyone but will be there soon to see how you all are. Thanks for all the advice.

I am going to start a competition soon with a fair dinkum prize at the end of it. It will require some wit and forethought on your behalf so keep yourself tuned in.

You Know You're A Bit On The Porky Side When ....

You sit down in the toilet at the local shopping centre. You do your quick business get up to do up your jeans and see that the "sensor driven tampon and sanitary pad disposal unit" has opened it's lid up.

Without you putting your hand in front of it!

Why did it open?

Because the overlap of your fat arse and child bearing thighs hanging over the side of the toilet set that sensor off!!

I remember Ben saying to me when he was about 3 "Mum, why is your bum too big for the toilet?".

This is also the boy who sat at the dinner table when he was 4 and said "someone at this table is fat and it isn't me". As I was the only fat one I think he was meaning me!!

Although he's quite endearing in his own way it can get embarassing. Like when he said to Blair's mother

"You can't sit on our chairs Nanny, you're too fat, they would break".

15 Weeks

I have 15 weeks to organise my wedding. Although, being the utter being of brilliance that I am, I have almost organised everything already.

I have set the date for 29th September this year. My buddies from the Sunshine Coast managed to get tickets changed for minimal charge so they are going to be here for it.

Have organised a celebrant who is local to the area. She is 72, was born in Papua New Guinea, went to university in Tasmania and has lived on a farm in South Canterbury with her husband for the past 40 years. She sounds PERFECT!

Have bought the paper for the invites. Am getting the tattoo that Blair and I both have on our backs made into a rubber stamp and will mark all invites with this celtic symbol, which I designed when Blair and I first got together and it symbolizes the progression from friendship into partnership. I will have two inks, black and lavender, and create a marbled effect. I am going to print the invites in black and have a little sprig of dried lavender on them somewhere.

I am also printing up a brochure which explains where Mt Potts is, how to get there and the accommodation available in the area if people don't want to stay at the lodge.

I am looked at wedding rings on Sunday morning and Michael Hill has a huge sale on so hoping to get them this week. Or at least one.

Got our marriage license form for Births, Deaths and Marriages today.

A friend of Ben's Mum has offered to decorate the wedding cake, she used to work at a bakery and was in charge of birthday and wedding cakes.

My great buddy Kim is doing the photography and Jen is doing the makeup.

I have decided to have a simple bound posy of white tulips with intermittent sprigs of lavender in it. My bridesmaids and the flower girls will just have small tied handfuls of lavender. The boys will have little sprigs of lavender in their button holes.

My MC is Kim's dad, he is a brilliant story teller and great all round bloke. Kim's mum has a designer garden that has heaps of lavender.

Invites are to be out by end of next week and rsvp'd by July 30th.

I have found out about stuff called Dermablend that will completely cover the giant pegasus tattoo on my back, and the scar on my right shoulder blade from where the windshield wiper on the VW Beetle hit my back as I flew backwards through the windscreen when I was run over when I was 18.

And I have been advised to go for Bodyshop Hemp something for my cracked heels. I know, yuck but some of us poor barstards didn't get the perfect gene!!

From the sounds of all the practising, I think Blair is going to play his guitar and sing the acoustic sounding "Miracle" by the Foo Fighters as I walk towards him in the open fields below Mt Potts. I hope I don't laugh with nervousness.

I suggested "Afternoon Delight" as our post ceremony song today but we looked up the lyrics and one line goes on about getting a bit of action so I am still wondering if that is appropriate.

We are having a jukebox with all our favourites 70ish music on it. You know the kind that gets EVERYONE up dancing. The Little River Band, Chicago, Bread, Cold Chisel, Eagles, Fleetwood Mac, Split Enz, the Dudes, Air Supply, the list goes on ........

I went to a wedding a couple of years ago where everyone kept turning off and resetting the jukebox and this one guy kept putting on heavy stuff and it made half the wedding retire to their seats every time. You need the goodies to get everyone jiving. (LOL, just thought that Steph will be thinking I fit into her bogan wedding category).

I'm going to try and find someone who will stay 20mins back at the motel units and come and pick the kids up at around 8pm and take them back there for the night. My mate Jo has this mate Julia, who has no kids of her own but is absolutely brilliant with them and knows my kids and I know that she would be fully capable of handling them all. Either that or my aunty has a number of ex nannies that may fit the bill. I just don't want kids around as I want to enjoy my night without being MUM for all of it.

I need ideas for shoes. We all know I have lymphy ankles, how am I going to fit some nice strappy shoes?? Blair loves the ones that tie up half way round the leg but on my calves that will look like one of those string bound rolled chicken roasts in the butchers. Get thinking people.

And the Winner is .....

Mt Potts!

Due to all of your heartfelt comments, along with my best mate and my sister, I approached Blair and he said "anything for you" and I thought I had better take advantage of him being in that mood.

Have told Mum and Dad and they are extremely casual about it all and Dad is still talking about paying for ALL the extended family which is brilliant. Just have to set a date, will still either be the 13th October or 29th September. If it is available we will probably opt for 29th September as there is the chance our great mates from the Sunshine Coast will be able to make it on that date.

Thank you all so much for your contributions.

Photos of the kids just randomly:


Peta on Crazy Hair Day




Ben on Crazy Hair Day:



Phoebe trying to look cute:



Sian trying to crawl:



UPDATE****

That is not actually Sian trying to crawl it is me trying to take a photo of Sian and just as I pushed the button Phoebe shot her finger in Sian's eye. Actually a very typical photo of Phoebe and Sian's relationship!!

In Fairness ..

I should give the clubrooms a bit of a plug too.

From the left:



and the right:



And a nearly every night typical sunset viewed from the clubrooms:






And all you romantics, we have to remember that Blair and I have four children and this venue is about $4,000 cheaper than the other one!!

This Indecision's Bugging Me

I always revert back to my dream, who doesn't??

This is where I always wanted to get married and where we were booked in to get married on October 22nd 2005 (until we found out we were pregnant with Phoebe!).






More detail can be seen here (please take a minute to check it out so you get a full feeling for what I am dreaming of).

Mum and Dad's place would have sufficed but nothing else is appealing very much. Blair is keen on the rugby clubrooms and he thinks we should change the date to suit. I can see his point, as the club us quite rustic and only costs $100 to hire and jugs are only $7 a pop and we can bring our own wine with a $4 per bottle corkage and it would cost us no more than around $4,500 and that includes food! For 70 people. And that doesn't include the input Mum and Dad may make.

Mt Potts is $300 to hire, is 2 hours from Christchurch in the middle of the Southern Alps and is $59 a head for a buffet dinner, dessert, post ceremony nibbles, and coffee and after dinnner mints later on. That includes all the linen and setting up of the whole function etc. People would have to stay the night either there (at $60 each) or head back to Staveley or Methven or somewhere which would be at least half an hour's drive in the deep back country. But really, I don't give a fuck cos I LOVE the place, and it was where the Edoras part of Lord of the Rings was filmed and it has a special feel!!

Update

Well, due to being so overwhelmed with the wedding organisation I have not posted for a bit. Now, things seemed to have worked out with Dad coming home from Aussie earlier than planned, will be home tomorrow. He has thrown it out there that they pay for extras to come, which suits me fine.

I think I may have made a boo boo on the purchase of the dress. It said size 16 but after accepting offer I was looking at the actual measurements and the seller had put:

Waist: 105cm
Hips: 120cm

That seems rather odd as when I was size 22 I had those sort of measurements!! What the fuck?? Have I just bought a flipping dress that is miles too big for me and I am going to have to pay big bucks to get altered?? Thought it may have been falling into place a little too easily.

Now I have suggested to Mum and Dad that we have at a venue rather than at their place as I feel the uptightedness may come a wee bit from the fact that they don't want pissed up mates of ours trapsing through their brand new home. Fair enough too. So now it is the great challenge ahead to find a venue that allows BYO as I refuse to pay for bar wine prices, and that is available on the 13th October.

I have two options at this point:

Rossburn Receptions:




The venue is $800 to hire which includes tables and clean up the next day.

They have BYO drinks with no corkage, you have to supply a bar tender.

They allow pretty much any caterers and that suits us fine as we are looking at a serviced buffet at $18.95 a head for roast beef, roast pork and semi boned roast chickens with gourmet buttered potatoes, six salads and fresh bread, gravy and condiments. Can't go wrong.

The only problem being that we would have to hire all glassware from the looks of things. That can end up pricey. Open till 12am and you can't go in until 12noon on the day of the wedding set up, otherwise if you want to do it the day before you will have to pay another $300 for that liberty. Gardens are available for service for $50. Is available 13th Oct.

Second option:

Southbrook Rugby Club:

No photo available. Big two story high glass windows facing the north west (sunset) and a bit dated, think 80's decor of your local rugby club but could spruce up.

$100 to hire plus $200 bond, which you get back. This includes bar staff, glasses and cleaning. Open till 1am. Nowhere nice to get married. Can bring own caterers, see above. Have square tables, could hire round ones. Can have bottled wine but at moment they are saying they would buy what wine we want and then charge $4 a bottle corkage. I suggesting that I buy wine, deliver to them on morning and they can still charge $4 corkage per bottle, what's the difference to them??

Don't know whether available.

The last and previously unmentioned option is to find somewhere in Christchurch which would mean guests would not have to travel out of town. I don't want over the top expensive though. No need for it to be as we will have a huge party where ever it is.

What do you reckon?

UPDATE***

Rugby clubrooms not available.

Let the Dramas Begin ....

As the title suggests I am putting up with dram-o-rama at the moment.

When did we set the date, a week ago??

Already the bullshit that seems to follow weddings around is rearing it's ugly head.

Mum had told me, when we dicussing this wedding thing at their property a couple of weeks ago, that she envisaged only around 40 people, immediate family and close friends - and I agreed. Blair and I are paying for the wedding, it is just at their house. Anyway, I find out from my sister over the weekend that Mum is up in arms about the fact that none of her brothers and sisters will be invited. And she has phoned Dad and now he is all shitty too that his family won't be invited.

Now I am confused!! I never said I didn't want the extended family there, I just agreed with Mum that is should be kept small. Mum then rings me yesterday and suggests that her and Dad have had an argument due to the fact that I won't invite any aunty's and uncles. I give up!! I said that I had no issue with them being there but because Blair and I were paying for it all that my friends were going to placed before some random uncle that I see once every 5 years at a funeral. Mum has three brothers and four sisters (one passed but her husband would still be included) so that is 14 extras already and then Dad has four so that is another 8!! If we have all our immediate family including our four kids then we have 20 people so that, combined with Mum and Dad's families comes to over 40 people. We wouldn't have one friend there.

I pointed out to Mum how important friends are to me and that by the time you reach 31 and 33 (me and Blair) that the friends you have are your friends for pretty much life and not just all the people you hang out with on the turps with at the pub!! She stated that family should always come before friends.

I give up!! For Fuck's Sake, I have four kids, I just want to get married to the man I love with my family and friends around to share the day.

On a different note, I have spontaneously bought a dress off trademe. What was I thinking, I haven't even seen it!! This is it but it is in white, size 16 but can be adjusted up or down 2 sizes.



By the way, have lost another 600g this week and am now 1kg away from hitting the elusive 90's. Whoop de loop mo fo's!!