Warmth in My Core

Crazy title I know but I am feeling really great at the moment. Either those meds have something illegal in them or life is just feeling good. I have an inner peace in myself and for the first time in years am actually feeling quite at peace with my lot. The only thing that bothers me continuously is the fact that both Blair and I are both still able to make babies! LOL! I really need one of us to be put out of action on that front to have the really beautiful inner peace feeling.

I feel calm and warm on the inside and I know yesterday's post was a bit OTT on the "what I am going to do" front but, let's keep it in perspective, I am talking about the next 5 years at least, not all to be completed this year.

I had an epiphany last night while reading No More Diets and at the top of her entry was the following phrase: “DIETS TURN NORMAL EATERS INTO PEOPLE WHO ARE AFRAID OF FOOD”. I felt the bolt of lightening come down and light up my brain. If we recall I was always a bit overweight - size NZ 16 or Aus 14 or who the hell knows English or American - from 18 to 24. I had been run over and stopped playing sport, discovered alcohol, loved it, over indulged in it on a regular basis and, while in first year of Bachelor of Veterinary Science, fell pregnant.

Then I had my eldest, dropped pregnancy weight immediately and was back to around 79 - 80kg, but I was happy, never worried much about my weight at all, then got pregnant the second time and my mother made a comment about me looking like someone in a weight watchers before photo in a women's magazine and that was it.

Joined weight watchers after I had 2nd bubs and was about 90kg when I started the neverending cycle of self loathing and guilt around food. I had previously not had an issue with food. I had an overindulgence issue, for sure, but never felt bad about my body, never had such a terrible self image of myself. I have been on the dieting yo yo for 6 and a half years now and, what works for others, doesn't work for me. I have always been able to read about people such as Zara (my soul mate of a buddy on the other side of the planet), Dietgirl, Emily, Mary,Kathryn and Chris H and think, these chics have it sussed on the losing weight front. They have overcome their emotional ties with it as well and are all brilliant at what they do.

But ... what works for them doesn't for me. As soon as I start limiting food or watching it at all, I start to have those, Oh well, have been bad better just be bad for the rest of the day, will be good tomorrow. I am constantly beating myself up and it has a huge detrimental effect on my mental health. This time, after the initial couple of weeks, I have just tried to focus on eating when I am hungry. Since I started that train of thought I have either lost or maintained. I am not eating as much in quantity and I am drinking more water. I am focusing on the person within instead of the overweight person that my appearance portrays me as. I am feeling great. I have been quoting off the Ultimate Health Keys and am soon to put Key no 4 but the most fun I am getting out of this book is Keys 6 - 12 which takes a good hard look at the inner you.