Brighter

Well, bubble wrap aside, I still lost 400g this week!

How do I manage to do this??

Who knows??

I did have a couple of 1 hour walks.

I think I'm nearly over the hump.

I'm ordering some Ultimate Cleanse and going to kick start it all next week. I need a new focus and have been wanting to detox and liver cleanse for ages so I decided to follow Lyn's lead and give it a flurry!!

What I won't be doing is taking photos of the excrement that is released from my bowel during this cleanse. While searching for the stuff I found an American site which promoted some cleanse by Blessed Herbs and all these people had sent in photos of their gross expelled shit.

Now we are not just talking your run of the mill poop.

We're talking ugly, been stuck to your intestinal walls for a good 15 years crap! Foul. What's unbelievable is the photos of all Amercan women standing there with a stick or some other object holding up their half metre long excrement tubes and smiling all american smiles with it. What the fuck is going on in their heads?

Hey Blair, I've just done the most foul looking, god only knows how foul smelling, shit in the universe. Would you be a hun and pop in with the camera and grap a snap??

Too much spare time on your hands if you're photographing your turds.

A Plethora of Things

1. Gain of 600g this week, officially making me the biggest LOSER in the world. What a dick!! Who gains weight before their dress fitting??
2. Four new fillings, a fixed front filling and my old crown taken off and a new temp one put on, which incidentally is yellow and makes me look like a gangsta rappa!!
3. Lingerie fitted and bought yesterday. Hideous yet great experience. Standing in front of full length mirror with Magic Knickers on and a bustier (which I got for $100 instead of $160 because the lady had dropped some ink on it just under the boob and you can't even see it when it's on!). Not very sexy but I'll find something nice to change into, it's all about what you look like in the dress afterall.
4. Visit to the Urology Physiotherapist who made me lie on a bed with no knickers on and doing all sorts of crazy coughing and tightening tasks while she shoved her fingers up me va-jay-jay to see how conditioned my pelvic floor is. Couldn't quite get if figured so I then had to stand up, do a half crouch with one hand on the basin and my right foot on the bottom of the bed while she crouched in front of me with her fingers up the vjj and she tried to peer in to see what was going on. I was mortified but imagined at that very instant that Blair would think it was BRILLIANT!
5. Bought an Isuzu Bighorn so our oversized family can finally get around together.
6. Was toddler and baby free on Wednesday night so took the older two kids to Robbies for some special time out with Mum and Dad. The atmosphere was great but the food was shit. Paid $13.50 for the seafood nibbles basket which in the description said "one to share". With whom I do not know. Maybe Smurfette. There were 2 squid rings, 2 fish bites, 2 scallop bites (mock!) and a basket of chips. So basically we paid $13.50 for a scoop of chips and some fish flavouring!! I won't even go into the rest of the shit meal. As soon as the mains were served Ben announced he needed a poo (which is translation for "I'll be gone for 20 mins and no other human being is going to want to go into the toilets for the next 24 hours).
7. Was chatting to sister this morning and she mentioned that she was trying to get some photos off Mum for a photo board for my hens night. Mum laughed and said "do you want ones of her eating!!". Sister told me, I went quiet and tried to hide the fact I was crying. Why does this affect me so much?? Fucken bitch. Anyone would think she was Elle MacPherson.

Be Grateful

Through the fabulous Cazzie, I was recently directed to Ella's Child, a blog written by a fabulous strong woman and it inspects every part of her soul. Written with a frankness that is rare, this woman has shown me how to be a selfless partner to my man. I often think of her and if anyone has a minute or two to spare, go and read her and if only a couple of seconds then read this post. She has just recently lost her beloved husband of around 35 years.

I am in a melancholy sort of mood today. I was up early and went to Christchurch to take Peta to the hospital for her final appointment at the eye outpatients. She has been discharged from their service and now just has to see an optometrist every 1 - 2 years.

It is sleety/snowy weather here and I have no motivation to do anything. I just want to curl up on the couch and watch Oprah or some other mindless crap!

I need water I think.

That is all.

Warmth in My Core

Crazy title I know but I am feeling really great at the moment. Either those meds have something illegal in them or life is just feeling good. I have an inner peace in myself and for the first time in years am actually feeling quite at peace with my lot. The only thing that bothers me continuously is the fact that both Blair and I are both still able to make babies! LOL! I really need one of us to be put out of action on that front to have the really beautiful inner peace feeling.

I feel calm and warm on the inside and I know yesterday's post was a bit OTT on the "what I am going to do" front but, let's keep it in perspective, I am talking about the next 5 years at least, not all to be completed this year.

I had an epiphany last night while reading No More Diets and at the top of her entry was the following phrase: “DIETS TURN NORMAL EATERS INTO PEOPLE WHO ARE AFRAID OF FOOD”. I felt the bolt of lightening come down and light up my brain. If we recall I was always a bit overweight - size NZ 16 or Aus 14 or who the hell knows English or American - from 18 to 24. I had been run over and stopped playing sport, discovered alcohol, loved it, over indulged in it on a regular basis and, while in first year of Bachelor of Veterinary Science, fell pregnant.

Then I had my eldest, dropped pregnancy weight immediately and was back to around 79 - 80kg, but I was happy, never worried much about my weight at all, then got pregnant the second time and my mother made a comment about me looking like someone in a weight watchers before photo in a women's magazine and that was it.

Joined weight watchers after I had 2nd bubs and was about 90kg when I started the neverending cycle of self loathing and guilt around food. I had previously not had an issue with food. I had an overindulgence issue, for sure, but never felt bad about my body, never had such a terrible self image of myself. I have been on the dieting yo yo for 6 and a half years now and, what works for others, doesn't work for me. I have always been able to read about people such as Zara (my soul mate of a buddy on the other side of the planet), Dietgirl, Emily, Mary,Kathryn and Chris H and think, these chics have it sussed on the losing weight front. They have overcome their emotional ties with it as well and are all brilliant at what they do.

But ... what works for them doesn't for me. As soon as I start limiting food or watching it at all, I start to have those, Oh well, have been bad better just be bad for the rest of the day, will be good tomorrow. I am constantly beating myself up and it has a huge detrimental effect on my mental health. This time, after the initial couple of weeks, I have just tried to focus on eating when I am hungry. Since I started that train of thought I have either lost or maintained. I am not eating as much in quantity and I am drinking more water. I am focusing on the person within instead of the overweight person that my appearance portrays me as. I am feeling great. I have been quoting off the Ultimate Health Keys and am soon to put Key no 4 but the most fun I am getting out of this book is Keys 6 - 12 which takes a good hard look at the inner you.

Who Am I - the honest truth

I have been meaning to have goals for ages now. Not just with weight loss but with life.

I was quite bright at school, easily passed exams and was in the top streamed classes from Form 5 to 7, (Year 11 -13 Aussie and no idea American??). At the same time, as soon as I was put up a class I started to rebel. I didn't want to be seen as one of the "geeks" so I got myself in the shit in all possible ways. I was a bitch of a teenager, aren't we all? I always had an overwhelming sense that I disappointed my parents as I was the one with all the good grades yet I didn't get off my butt and do anything with it. I left school halfway through my last year and got a job in an office. I had a boyfriend at the start of that year who wasn't working or at school and I really wanted to be independent from school life so I could do what I wanted with him without my parents throwing school in my face. The things we do!! So I left and then went flatting and, of course, the boyfriend pissed off and I found out I had miscarried at 5 weeks pregnant after we had broken up. I was 17. I was in a bad headspace.

59kg

I was drunk one night and walked out in front of a car that was travelling 70km/hr. It was a VW so that was the life saving factor. The bumper bar was low so it hit my calves and my knees bent backwards and I went over the bonnet and through the windscreen. I have a windshield wiper scar on my right shoulder blade. I was in hospital for the weekend and then I had to move back home as I couldn't shower etc. After recovery I decided to go to university. I enrolled but then had a fall out with my father just before I was due to start so I pulled out. I was going to do a BSc majoring in Zoology. I went and worked at a car yard as the office chic and then had my ACL surgery on my left knee. I lost the job at the car yard due to not taking the sexual advances of the accountant. Decided to cut my losses and went and got another job at a manufacturing plant in the office. Then, in 1995, I moved to Dunedin and did my Veterinary nursing. I lived in a haunted old villa (a whole other story!!) and spent a lot of my spare time with my aunty who trained race horses.

75kg

I moved back to Christchurch after the course and looked for work but their was none out there in the nursing of animals field. So I checkout chicked it for a couple of months and then decided to go to university again and signed up at Canterbury for a BA. I left after a couple of lectures. Too busy partying. Got a job at a property management firm and was there for a year, lucky I lasted that long the amount of times I came in hungover and late!! I then moved out of the the flat I was living in with a bunch of gib plastering pissheads, moved home and went nurse aiding while I decided what I wanted to do with myself - again. Applied to Massey for Bachelor of Veterinary Science, had always wanted to be a vet, had the brains, why not??

86kg

Got pregnant during Orientation on a one night stand with someone who I never saw again. Got involved with the sort of guy that I would never usually look twice at. Met him through the flat I was living in. Spent three months travelling from Palmerston North to Greymouth with him and then realised that I was being used and rung Dad to come pick me up. 7 months pregnant and Dad helped me move into my own little house. It was scary but cool at the same time. Loved having my own space. Had my daughter in November, had just turned 23 and was quite happy.

80kg

Peta was 4 months old when I hooked up with Blair, one of my best friends. He moved in nearly straight away and that was 8 years ago. I fell in love instantly and our relationship was very passionate yet volatile for the first year. I found out I was pregnant with Ben and Blair got some counselling for insecurities and we stuck things out. Ben was born June 2000.

98kg

Joined Weight Watchers for the first time with two mates. Lost over 2kg in the first week and loved it. Quickly lost 7kg (around 15pd)and was feeling great. Was nurse aiding at night in a dementia unit. Bloody tiring. Peta turned 2 late November and I went off the WW and by Feb was over 100kg when bridesmaid at my sisters wedding. Went on to work at for another property management company, loved the job and the people, got made redundant, my aunty (horsey one) got diagnosed with back cancer. I cut my hair off extremely short and went back to nurse aiding in dementia unit. Had major depression after my aunty died. Lost the plot. Went on meds, left job and worked in public health system in admin. Joined weight watchers another three times in this period. Got pregnant with Phoebe. Had blood pressure issues and left my job. Phoebe born April 2005.

109.8kg

Highest recorded weight. Joined weight watchers again. Had a great leader. Stay at home mum. Lost 7.2kg. Went back to work fulltime. Got pregnant with Sian while IUD in. Left work at 27 weeks pregnant due to bp again. Had Sian November 2006.

106.4kg

Here we are. I need some goals. As you can see my life has been erratic and all over the place. I need some stability other than family. I need interests for me and I need a bit of routine.

I can see clearly now the rain has gone ....

I am back!

I feel really good, have been on citalopram now for a week and I have noticed that my happiness has returned. My sense of humour has returned and my love of life has returned. The suicidal thoughts have gone and life is feeling great. Amazing how quickly it has worked. I don't recall it working so quickly the first time I was put on it four years ago. The biggest thing I have noticed is my own self image. It has improved heaps in a week. What I see in the mirror is different than a week ago and I feel attractive even!! Other than when I had the legs in stirrups at the gynae yesterday when he checked out the pelvic floor muscles, or lack thereof!! I have to go for bladder tests to make sure I have an okay bladder and then will go on the public health waiting list to have a pelvic floor repair and, if they are able to do bladder, they will zip in and tie tubes at the same time!! That would be a blessing in disguise.

I am having a shit of a time trying to wean Sian off the breast and onto the bottle. I have been told that the effects of the citalopram is not really well researched in breastfeeding and that the blood pressure meds that I am on need to be changed so I have no options left for breastfeeding. Sian has had four months of solely breast milk but I still feel quite guilty and the wee darling is performing a treat when we try and give her the bottle. My doctor has told me that I need to do it though to get myself back and that is more important for Sian than the benefits of the breast. Any tips on getting the bub to take the bottle??

I am really thankful for all you guys support and the fact that a few of you lurkers have come out of the woodwork and emailed me or posted a comment is really nice. Makes me sort of feel like I have guardian angels around at all times. This is really the most supportive group of people and it blows me away.

I am back!!