Health Nuts

The fabulous Mary has created Health Nuts, a forum for all like minded souls to natter and talk about all sorts of things from recipes to sports undies. Check it out, I'm sure you'll be as hooked as I am!!

Week 7 Weigh In

Start Weight: 106.4kg
Week Seven: 105.2 kg
Loss/Gain: 800g loss
Lost so far: 1.2kg
Kgs to Goal: 45.2kg

Funny isn't it?? You forget about your weight worries to deal with other issues and, due to budget restrictions and the addition of $20 a pop baby formula, you have an old style weekly menu consisting of old cheapie favourites like macaroni cheese, mince and mashed potatoes, curried sausages, fish pie, and bacon and egg pie and you go and lose weight!! Go figure??

Weigh In Week 6

Well I forgot to post Week Five last week so here goes for the fifth week:

Start Weight: 106.4kg
Week Five: 106.2 kg
Loss/Gain: 200g loss
Lost so far: 200g
Kgs to Goal:46.2kg

and now Week Six:

Start Weight: 106.4kg
Week Six: 106.0 kg
Loss/Gain: 200g loss
Lost so far: 400g
Kgs to Goal:46.0 kg

400g lost in six weeks. Well Dr Oz did say slowly but surely did he not?? At this rate I'll be 40 by goal!! He he he.

Thanks for the weaning tips ladies, although the marmite one just sounds mean Chris!! Glad you're not my Mum LOL LOL LOL!! Sian has now had three bottles since lunch time yesterday and my breasts feel like they are going to explode. I did give her a little feed last night as she went off to sleep and her morning one. I am going to keep giving the morning feed for a week to try and cut the milk down a fraction before I dry out completely. (And we all secretly know that I just want to have those extra feeds with my bubba).

I can see clearly now the rain has gone ....

I am back!

I feel really good, have been on citalopram now for a week and I have noticed that my happiness has returned. My sense of humour has returned and my love of life has returned. The suicidal thoughts have gone and life is feeling great. Amazing how quickly it has worked. I don't recall it working so quickly the first time I was put on it four years ago. The biggest thing I have noticed is my own self image. It has improved heaps in a week. What I see in the mirror is different than a week ago and I feel attractive even!! Other than when I had the legs in stirrups at the gynae yesterday when he checked out the pelvic floor muscles, or lack thereof!! I have to go for bladder tests to make sure I have an okay bladder and then will go on the public health waiting list to have a pelvic floor repair and, if they are able to do bladder, they will zip in and tie tubes at the same time!! That would be a blessing in disguise.

I am having a shit of a time trying to wean Sian off the breast and onto the bottle. I have been told that the effects of the citalopram is not really well researched in breastfeeding and that the blood pressure meds that I am on need to be changed so I have no options left for breastfeeding. Sian has had four months of solely breast milk but I still feel quite guilty and the wee darling is performing a treat when we try and give her the bottle. My doctor has told me that I need to do it though to get myself back and that is more important for Sian than the benefits of the breast. Any tips on getting the bub to take the bottle??

I am really thankful for all you guys support and the fact that a few of you lurkers have come out of the woodwork and emailed me or posted a comment is really nice. Makes me sort of feel like I have guardian angels around at all times. This is really the most supportive group of people and it blows me away.

I am back!!

The only way is up . . . .

I am humbled by the kind words from each and every one of you. Often I feel that I am yacking away to myself on this blog with my odd regulars chiming in every day or two but I have been proven wrong. This level of support just re-iterates to me the importance of this blog to my everyday wellbeing. The fact that each and every one of you has taken the time to let me know that you care is fantastic for me.

My doctor phoned me early Monday morning when he got to work and found my message at the front desk, where the nurse had left it when she had taken the message on Friday night. He apologised profusely for his untimely response and acted immediately to ensure I was safe. I saw him that morning in Christchurch and then saw Psych Emergency Services at 5pm, where I was assessed by a psych nurse. I saw a psychiatrist today and have been put back on citalopram, which is the anti depressant I was on four years ago when I had my first documented case of depression. I have been off it since the day I found out I was pregnant with Phoebe nearly three years ago. I have had times of feeling down and unable to cope over these three years but I let it all get the better of me and my desire to maintain the facade of coping overshadowed my desire to be looked after like I desperately needed to be.

Mum has stepped in and taken the three older children to their place for the week and I am spending all my spare time until things improve (until the meds do their job) going out there while Blair is at work, to do hard labour on their lifestyle block. My first day out there is tomorrow and apparently I am driving a big truck while dad is operating the digger. Nothing like some hard work to clear the head.

If this has shown me anything it is not to delay when things are getting on top of me. That extra week can be what sends you over the edge and I am very afraid when I think how close I came to taking my own life and how easily I contemplated taking the kids with me to save them from a lifetime of painful memories.

One thing I know for sure is that I have a shit load of soul searching to do. I need something for me in my life. My kids are mine and Blair is mine but it is very important for me to find something of meaning that is mine and mine alone. I also have a lot of head shit to work through. I have had this disease from my mid teens, or so the psychiatrist thinks the behaviour patterns seem to indicate. I have a lot of "issues" that I have buried and they need to be dealt with.

So my journey of self discovery and self betterment (is that a word?) begins. Stick around as I'm going to need an ear (or 20!) to get me through this.

Love to you all.

Brutally Honest

I have spent the last couple of days struggling with the urge to end it all. Not blogging, not dieting, although by ending it all these two things would die a natural death. I have slipped into the pits of depression and I suppose it explains a wee bit my pathetic attempt at rekindling the dieting fire. I thought it was a bad premenstrual hormonal thing but then that has been and gone and things have only gotten worse. I started to feel a bit tense in the neck and shoulders but I ignored it. I started to over react to everything but I ignored it. I started to really relate to the John Kirwan depression adverts on TV but I ignored it. I started to yell and yell and yell at the kids every morning but I ignored it. I ignored it all until I watched Oprah on Friday afternoon in a moment of lethargic self pity and it hit home. The episode was on three people who had attempted suicide but failed. The first was a mother of two with post natal depression who had been giving her family and friends warning signs for a while but no one quite knew the extent. And her mother, being of the breed that just gets on with it, had told her to basically harden up. She grabbed her car keys and ran out of the house. The mother phoned the husband and he alerted the police and said that he thought she was heading for the local bridge (as she had mentioned jumping off it before). A cop car was in the area and headed for the bridge where he found the woman driving too fast. She then pulled over, got out of the car, turned and stared blankly at the cop and headed for the side of the bridge and jumped. He got there just in time and grabbed her arm. You then see graphic footage of this poor bitch fighting with the cop to try and end it all. Then two more cops arrive and they manage to get her over. I started to howl and I couldn't stop. Phoebe got up from her sleep and I was still crying and she said "It's alright Mummy" and I thought I can't do this anymore. I can't keep pretending that I am this martyr and that everything is great. I have had my blaring warning signs since before I had Sian. I went to the doc then but then I thought the options are not easy if I ended up needing help so I masked the problem and showed a solid front. But, my blogging friends, it is not all happy and rosey. I love my children and I love my fiance but I am struggling every single day at the moment not to find some way of ending it all. I am struggling with my thoughts and I feel like they are going to consume me at some point. Believe me this is bloody hard to post but I need to because I just can't keep up the front. Mum and Blair both asked me today what has triggered this but they both don't seem to understand that there is nothing that triggers it. My chemicals in my body are unbalanced and it is distorting my thinking. I even phoned my doc last night at 5.26pm to ask for a referral to mothers and babies because I was worried about how disturbing my thought patterns were getting. He didn't call back, he was on his last patient for the day and probably thought he would deal with it on Monday, not realising that I was sitting at home struggling with the thought of not being here for my kids but also struggling with the thought of dealing with this head fuck for one minute longer. Things aren't better today but people know now. Blair knows and my mother knows and one of my best mates knows (thanx Jen!) and I it helps to know that people are aware.

It is a cruel disease depression and I urge any of you that know someone with it and don't know much about it - reach out because it sucks to be feeling like this and feel like you are all alone.

Week Four Weigh In

Start Weight: 106.4kg
Week Four: 106.4 kg
Loss/Gain: 200g loss
Lost so far: Nothing!!
Kgs to Goal:46.4kg

Nothing ventured, nothing lost!!

Chris puts it so well in her comment when she gives me a good boot up the arse with her stern, but always fair words. I know exactly why I am still the same weight I was four weeks ago. I haven't had a plan, I have jumped from this to that, all the while knowing that if I don't commit to anything hard out then I don't have to commit to anything at all. But I have stuck strictly to points today and am going to do it without fail every day of the next week. Then we'll see what actually sticking to something can do for weight loss!!