Monday, July 30, 2007

Let the Challenge Begin

So who's in?

Kitty Kat

So if anyone else wants to join you have till the end of today to send me your start weight and details.

That is all about that!!

Update: Krissy, welcome, it's a 4 week challenge, counting down to my first dress fitting. Details in previous post.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

A Milestone


I have done it!! I have broken the exclusive double digits barrier.

Do you have any idea how long I have needed this??

I have been in the triple digits for over 6 years. After baby number two I was briefly in the 90's but have been in the hundy's ever since. But today I stepped on the scales and was 100 flat. I desperately tried to empty every possible fluid sac and to no avail. Nothing would budge. Blew me nose, jumped back on and 99.8kg!! Who would know that snot can accumulate up the nostrils to the tune of 200g??

I don't care!!

I'm in the 90's.

I would love to be in the 80's for my big day.

So that motivated me to jump on the exercycle and do some peddling and drink plenty of water.

Had peaches, acidophilus yoghurt and LSA for breakfast. Good girl aye??

So, I'm thinking of doing a little 4 week challenge to motivate me. Starts by Sunday so either email me your start weighin for this week or post a comment if you want to join me.

My start weight is 99.8kg. I want to lose 5kg by 23rd August.

Operation Smaller Butt Crack is on!!

My prize is fitting my wedding dress but I want to supply a wee incentive for you guys too.

So the winner will receive a copy of "Diary of a Fat Man" an inspiring story of a man who lost 64kgs.

Progress will be worked out by percentage as per the Biggest Loser so that it is fair for all. Join me, go on, what have you got to lose???

Monday, July 23, 2007

It's the Little Things ...

The big ticket items are sorted for the wedding, you know the dresses, the venue, the reception, the invites are out, the wedding party has been chosen, blah diddy blah blah.

Now it's the little things that are doing my head in - there are so bloody many of them.

And it is starting to make my head ache.

Blair has traditional ideas about the wedding cake, small icing roses etc. Personally I can't stand the idea.

Seems I stuffed up when I chose Lavender (the plant) as my theme as it isn't actually in flower in September - only me!!

Table tops? Had my ideas but the male in our partnership seems to have a million and one ideas of what is going to look classy and what is not. Since when do males want to have anything to do with this sort of thing??

Now here is the big thing:

I have to lose as much weight as possible by the 23rd of August, which is in a month!! I have 4.3 weeks to lose heaps of lard from my arse, torso and arms. Everywhere else too but these are the key areas. So I need a plan and I need a good one.

So here it goes:


gluten free
fruit 3 serves a day minimum
veges 6 serves a day minimum
lean meats, fish and chicken
no potatoes, rice, pasta, breads etc after lunch
drink 3L water a day
nothing sweet after dinner (only fruit, yoghurt or nuts)
breakfast either poached eggs or fruit, yoghurt and LSA
raw nuts and seeds as snacks
eat rocket every day
start each day with 2 glasses water with lemon juice
once I get a juicer: apple, carrot, celery, beetroot and ginger juice each morning
a green tea after dinner
chamomile and honey tea before bed


bike on exercycle 20 mins a day, before breakfast, (9 secs hard out, 12 secs normal)
more incidental movement (Hi 5 dancing with Phoebe, more housework etc
weather permitting, walk to pick kids up from school (4km return trip)
sit ups 50 a day, working up to 100 a day
arm exercises (lots of them!!)

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Any Orrifice You Barstards Don't Need to Violate??

The last seven days have left me with the "it's been one of those weeks" feeling.

I have had seven days of violation and it all hit the surface on Wednesday night as I lay on my bed weeping like a widow!!

We all know I had the vadge violated with the IUD incident.

Then I had blood tests for pregnancy, (negative by the way!!).

Is a vein considered an orrifice?? It should be!!

Then the straw that broke the camel's back came yesterday.

I had to go for a bladder test/x-ray so that they can test my bladder muscles and see if my pee bag is irritable. If it wasn't before it sure as hell is now!

I had to turn up at the hospital yesterday for a catheter (well, let's not be coy - two catheters) to be stuck up me peehole and another tube to be stuck up my rectum!!

I entered the room in my clay coloured gown feeling as nervous as a dog before a neutering. I met the Professor/corpse that was performing the tests and his sidekick nurse/skeleton. There were two more audience members behind a curtain in the xray room.

I had to jump up on a skinny little table, roll over to face the wall and then a tube was stuck up my rectum. The professor pushed a bit, mumbling about not being able to get it in, and then off it shot, right up the jacksy!! Talk about fucken uncomfortable. Then I had to roll back on my back, hike up the legs and drop my knees so he could rub a freezing concoction on my opening so that the tube wouldn't hurt as much as he shoved it up my pee hole.

I looked at the roof and tried to relax (yeah fucken right!)and it hurt and I felt very sad. As I looked at the roof I thought of Steph and the vadge incident and thought to myself, well I fucken top her on this one!! Then I thought, what the fuck are you doing thinking about your blog buddy while you are getting a catheter stuck up your peehole by a geriatric?? Who knows!

So then skeletor nurse proceeds to fill up my bladder with cold saline.

"Just let us know when it starts to feel full"

So I quickly let them know that it felt full but according to The Walking Corpse there was no way I should feel full yet.

After a series of coughing, bearing down and all sorts of bullshit that they watched via x-ray on tv, they informed me that I would have to hold onto the sides of the bed as they were about to tip me up vertical. The whole fucken maching tipped forward and I felt like I was going to fall off the thing, bare arse in the air. Then the old one gave me a contraption that looked like a funny thing you would hop on at the local trade fair. It was a urine collecting funnell and it had a large curved handle at the front of it.

"Just position it up against you very tightly as if you were riding a bike, nice and snug, then relax and empty your bladder."

They all stepped away and here I stood teetering on the edge of the little foot panel, urine collector between my legs, holding on tight to a stupid handle that reminded me of a pogo stick, and - - - nothing happened.

"Just close your eyes and imagine you are on the toilet at home" then steps away again.

After a minute or two of non urination, a cellphone went off behind the wee viewing wall where the x-ray people were hanging out. Fuck this, there is no way I'm gonna be able to pee.

They gave up on me, flipped the bed back and sent me on my way.

So I got home, went through the motions of making dinner etc and then lost the plot and lay on my bed and howled. I felt rather violated and if any fucker wants to go near any of my holes any time soon they have better have a bloody good reason for doing so.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Is That An IUD Sticking Out Your Cervix Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

Wednesday arvo and I was sitting on the loo (as you do) and I randomly thought, better check the IUD strings are in the right place. Having had one get past the backstop with my last pregnancy I am religious in checking every month, although last month I didn't have to as the gynae did it for me.

So I had a bit of a feel around and then I thought I felt something hard. WTF?? Something hard and plastic feeling. Shit mother fucker ho bag!!

I phone doctor, I see doctor next morning, doctor confirms I
a) have an IUD hanging out me cervix
b) have a mild case of thrush coming on!! (Shame!!)

So apparently I am not SAFE, and the past seven days have not been SAFE either!! When an IUD comes out the sperm can still be living up there happy as larry for seven days still ready to impregnate poor innocent angelic wee eggs!!

Have had a serum pregnancy blood test today and let's all cross everything that can be crossed to make sure this bride to be is not pregnant!! I get my tubes tied in about 3.5 months, I DON'T NEED ANYMORE KIDS!!

So my doc reckons I should come back for a new IUD next week but I have decided fuck that. It is just too risky thinking that you're safe and all the time your overworked loose vadge isn't strong enough to hold in an IUD!!

Monday, July 09, 2007

The Neverending Wipe

Caution: Poos and Sex talk ahead

Have you ever got the kids off to bed, done the dishes, the house is in order, the fire is on and it's below zero outside.

Your man is showing friskiness alert signals.

You're up for it.

All you need is a shower and it will be all systems go.

Then the urge to pass a bowel motion hits.

No worries, off to the toilet you go, this is pre-shower so you're all good.

Said bowel motion done, time to wipe.

And wipe.....

and wipe.....

and wipe again....

is this shit ever going to be gone???

A mental image of your impending romp flashes into your head.

Oh baby, oh baby, grope grope grope .... awkward silence ....

"is that shit??"


Needless to say I didn't have sex last night due to horror at thought of above scenario!!

Friday, July 06, 2007


That's exactly what I am doing at the moment - Moonwalking, going backwards!!

I have been eating too much gluten. I have had a crook tummy (go figure) and I have put on 1.2kg in the last two weeks!! Silly considering I need to lose weight for my impending wedding.

I haven't been exercising the dog and, as a consequence, the bitch has been digging holes!!

The rain and shit weather is here and settled!

I have decided to kick my own arse. But, could do with a good butt booting from you guys too.

Do I want to look like this on my wedding night???

Monday, July 02, 2007


Thanks Mellissa!!!

Instructions: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place.
Then add your blog to the bottom so...

1. The Fat Lazy Guys Log
2. Sandie Bee
3. Diet Coke Rocks
4. Your Not Fat Hey Mummy
5. Four Kids and a Fiance


What were you doing ten years ago?
I was living in a flat in the central of Christchurch with two gib plasterers. They used to steal my underwear and pass them around the Christchurch International Airport construction site. This was dirty underwear too!! One pair ended up on a friend of mine's brother's steering wheel!! I had just lost my job and was quickly drinking my way through the 3K redundancy! I was 21 and was in the middle of a sordid triangle affair and I was very unhappy! About 80kg.

What were you doing 1 year ago?
I was pregnant with Sian and working at the accountants, and about to head to New Plymouth for my week long Naturopathy course. About 108kg I think??

Five snacks You Enjoy:
1. Sour Cream and Chives Grainwaves
2. Celery with Sweet Chilly Philly
3. Peanut butter and banana on toast!! With a wee bit of brown sugar sprinkled.
4. Creamy blue cheese on crackers
5. Eggs

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:
1. Hotel California
2. The Gambler
3. Always ... Atlantic Star
4. Me and Bobby McGee
5. All Hi 5 songs

Five things you would do if you were a Millionaire:
1. Buy a farm
2. Buy horses
3. Build our dream house, not just a practical one, it would have stables, a music room, a bunk house, a huge rumpus room with bar, 6 bedrooms for all of us plus a guest wing.
4. Finish my naturopathy, learn to dress design and sew.
5. Have ALL the people I want at my wedding with a marquee at Mt Potts.

Five Bad Habits:
1. The fucken internet
2. Eating
3. Laziness
4. Control Freak
5. Sniffing things, this nearly had me vomit in the supermarket the other day because I sniffed a dried pig's ear that I saw for the dog, it smelt (fucken surprisingly) like rotten pig. I dry retched!!

Five Things You Like Doing:
1. Orgasms
2. Eating
3. Laughing
4. Cooking
5. Camping

Five Things You'll Never Wear Again:
1. Nappies
2. Shoulder pads
3. Size 24 clothes (Well if I don't pull my head in .... that may not be true!!)
4. Leggings
5. Bike pants

Five Favourite "toys":
1. Silver Bullet
2. My computer
3. Blair
4. My kids
5. My sphegnamometer


Yo Heave Ho (Bags)

The Dress

Well ....

The dress arrived on Saturday and there are dramas.

It is way too small in the bust (I'm in a DD/E depending on the time of month) and I don't think it will be adjustable. The waist and hips are too big but could be adjusted. The drop arms are too tight, I have child bearing arms.

So I am beginning to think the adjustment thing is going to be a drama and a half.

I am thinking I would be better to relist the dress if she won't refund me, get one made that is similar in design and at least be rest assured on the day that my dress is going to fit me like a glove, albeit a boxing glove at this rate of weight loss.

On a more exciting note, Keri (sister, matron of honour) and I went looking at bridesmaid fabrics. She saw a print ad in a women's mag the other day for Mitchum deodorant and it showed a wedding day prep and the bridesmaid was wearing a sage green 3/4 strapless dress with a lavender organza wrapped around the waist. It was gorgeous and, after great yarns with an on to it manager at Fabric Vision, we have decided on materials etc and designs to suit Peta and Keri. The manager was AWESOME! She knew her shit and I asked her if she was a dressmaker as well, and she is. Only problem is that she is moving in a couple of months to Timaru, 2 hours drive south of Christchurch. I will see what else comes up but I may just have to stalk the woman!! Jane, her name is, Jane my dressmaker ... sounds good.

On an even more exciting note, had a great weekend with the fridge situation finally being addressed!