Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Week Three Weigh In

Start Weight: 106.4kg
Week Three: 106.6 kg
Loss/Gain: 200g gain
Lost so far: 200g Gained!!
Kgs to Goal:46.6kg

Okay, so Week Four weigh in is tomorrow and I am only just posting week three. Slackarooney tooney!! As I had expected after the weekend of alcohol etc I had a 200g gain. TOM arrived and I wasn't too fussed either way. Next weigh in is tomorrow which is also the 1st of March. Considering I started on the 1st of February it will be ridiculously embarrassing if I still register a gain over start weight after a month on the plan.

I need a week free of blue cheese, chocolate, biscuits, chorizo or cheese cransky sausages!! I gave No Count a good shot for this week but I don't know how suitable it is going to be with my breastfeeding. I found that one little salad with avocado had stripped me of my extra points for the day and that just won't work for me. What I am finding has become a common theme is that I binge out, get frustrated, set an unrealistically strict eating plan and then fail. So plan for March:

Back to points
Back to reality
Back to the here and now

I also need goals.

One of them may be to sort out this flippin blog. My punk themed blog was a disaster. Then I went on the new blogger and set myself up with easy templates and I like the basic look but can't figure out how to enter html where I want it. Can't even hook up the blogroll.

My first goal is to reach virgin fat (a term a lot of you other chubbies tend to use) by end of March. Lowest I have been in five years is 102.6kg and that was recorded not long before getting pregnant with Sian. So that is about a year ago. So I have 31 days to lose 4kg, which is very achievable.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Lard Arse Loser

Have you heard about the lard arse loser?
She's a loser but she'll still keep on trying!!

(Think Little River Band!!)

The copious amounts of alcohol over the weekend have made me feel like shit for absolutely days after. My head is fuzzy and I have been eating utter crap. I mean I had chocolate cream sponge for breakfast with a couple of chocolate chip cookies! Nutritious - I think not!!

But, I had a wee feeling of "sort your shit out" early this morning. Phoebe had hopped into our bed (around 6am) and I was feeding Sian and she reached out for me but couldn't find me and she gave a little lost "Mummy??" and my mind leapt to the image of her calling out for Mummy but me not being here because I was too selfish and weak willed to stop eating like a garbage disposal. A couple of weeks ago I mentioned doing No Count so from tomorrow on I am doing it. I figure I can probably have a couple of more points a week as I am fully breastfeeding a 3 month old. Anyone been advised on No Count rules for breastfeeding?? I figure I could probably have 25 pts a week instead of 21?? And I am making my own rule that Feta is allowed as a no count item. It's MY rule so don't go challenging it bee-atches!!

Check Steph for the best way to quickly get over the start of a binge. Fucken hilarious!!

You may have noticed that the punk girl at the top of my blog has disappeared. Something in the linkup to the image is stuffed so I am on the hunt for a new blog template. I am wondering if things aren't working as well due to the change to the new blogger?? Anyone else had probs with Caz's templates due to the changeover??

Monday, February 19, 2007


Well, I ended up having a blast on both nights. Friday we had my whole family over for my brother and his girlfriend's leaving drinks. Was a great night and my sister and her husband and two kids and brother and his girlfriend all stayed (which was a crammed affair in our little 3 bdrm house. Were up dancing and having a ball until 3.30am. Then had to be up and organised to get to the airport and say goodbye. We then headed home for a bit of a catnap and then dropped kids off at my parents house and then headed back into Christchurch for the BBQ, although we got there at around 9pm and the BBQ started at 3pm!! I just wouldn't have coped if we hadn't of had that sleep. Had another 3.30am'er and I struggled through yesterday with the kids while Blair slept the day away. He was severely hungover while I was just knackered. Socially everything was sweet and I had a really good time.

Eating and drinking has been excessive and I am sure that I weigh at least 3kg heavier just from the weekend. We'll see if I can pull it together and at least maintain by Thursday.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Too Much Information......

As the title reads, this is going to be too much information for a lot of you so deal with it or don't read on from this point ...

I am in a hell of a state at the moment. My "bits" are all heading south. My rectum has prolapsed into my va-jay-jay and I think my bladder is doing the same. When I pass bowel movements they get stuck as the wall has fallen into my other cavity and therefore, gravity is not having the desired effect. This has affected my sex life, which consists of condoms as Blair has not yet had the bloody snip, condoms which I seem to be ALLERGIC too.

I don't have medical insurance because I got rid of it a year and a half ago when I missed 3 payments and they wanted me to have a medical report done to reinstate it. I flagged it as the liver problems, high blood pressure and enlarged spleen were going to make our premiums massive. I figured I had spent nearly 9K on my previous three years medical/life insurance and had one $150 claim for a specialist visit and that I would go it alone.

Now I am looking at a long wait on the public list or forking out $3.5K in private fees and this doesn't include any hospital stay. And my worry is that my sex life will be stuffed from this point on.

Do you know anyone who has had a full pelvic floor repair?? If so, how was it afterwards?? HELP ME.

On the other side of the coin we have my mental health which appears to be in overdrive. I have a BBQ to go to tomorrow night where a whole group of old mates will be there drinking. I have Mum looking after the three girls and Ben is off to Kaikoura with Blair's Mum. This is my chance, I haven't been out for a drink in a year. Last time I did we got pregnant. But, some old friends that I had a fall out with 5 years ago are going to be there and this fact has sent me into a spin. I spent 2 hours yesterday trying on different casual clothes. I look fucken gross at the moment, am in desparate need of a cut and colour and my brain is screaming at me to find some reason not to go. But I really have to. Two of our mates from the States are over and they are only stopping for one night in Christchurch and we haven't seen them since their wedding two years ago!!! The thing is, I get like this every time I go out and it all has to do with my social anxiety. I am over tired already and it is not helping matters. Have not been to bed earlier than midnight all week. And tonight my youngest brother and his girlfriend are having their family going away dinner at our place and they are staying here along with my sister, her husband and two kids and my other brother. No chance of an early night there. Then tomorrow we have to see my youngest brother off at the airport in early afternoon and then are supposed to be off to the BBQ. Then an old school friend of Peta's is having her birthday party right at the same time that Tom leaves and I have told Peta that she is just going to have to miss out this time as we have already made other commitments and she is shitty with me. I need sleep and I need a makeover and some self confidence and a fucken large bottle of rum please!!

Week Two Weigh In

Start Weight: 106.4kg
Last Wk Weight: 106.0kg
Current Weight: 106.4 kg
Loss/Gain: 400g gain
Kgs to Goal:46.4kg

The figures say it all!! I am in PMT week, which always means fluid retention but still!! All I can say is shut the fuck up and quit whining about not being slim if you are going to go and eat shitloads of M & M's.

Monday, February 12, 2007

15 Coathangers for 15 Bucks

What is Blair thinking??

He was off to the Warehouse the other day with a friend and I said to him "We really need coathangers so grab some". He arrived home with three sets of 5 at the ridiculously over the top price of $5 a set, a total of $15!! Coathangers are a great invention but definitely not worth a dollar each!!! This is where men and women differ, most of us women would look at the price and flag it but not a bloke!!

My feet are hideous aren't they? Definitely know it's fluid retention, along with a good lashing of obesity but I am great at giving health advice to others but taking it myself? Not my strong point.

Here's my girl Sian for all those who want more:

And trying to talk to Mummy:

Friday, February 09, 2007

What the Fuck Happened to Me?

Was sitting on the couch this evening and my feet were aching after a full on day of housework. Nothing like incidental exercise!! So I was looking at my feet and legs and thinking what the fuck happened to me?? Seriously, I used to have really toned athletic legs and now they look hideous.

This is me at 18 with stunning legs:

This is my right lower leg as of this evening, looks like a few illegal immigrants are hiding out inside my limbs:

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Week One Weigh in

Start Weight: 106.4kg
Week One: 106.0 kg
Loss/Gain: 400g loss
Kgs to Goal:46kg

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Mother of the Year - NOT!!

I suck arse as a mother at the moment. I am too flippin self obsessed. I pissed around over the weekend and then bought kids stationery on Monday. Went out all yesterday and when got home at 8pm last night thought, shit - haven't covered the kids books in Duraseal. Fuck it! They can just take their books as is and I will get them to bring the books home at the weekend to cover them. How nice is that? Kids starting new school and selfish mother doesn't even cover books in trendy, hideously over priced Duraseal. Then again, between them I had 22 books to cover and I would have been still up at 2am in the morning.

Things aren't good on the eating front. They were fantastic until Blair was home for the long weekend. He is so bad for me in the weightloss department. He makes me angry and I, in retaliation, eat shit. Well of course, that is not meant literally as I don't react by eating faeces, but I do eat heaps of crappy food like M & M's.

I have decided to eat by the WW No Count plan. I have all the info in a booklet out in the garage so will get on and study up and go from there next week. I like the idea of being free to eat good stuff and only counting the points of the badder things.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Check out My Lunch

Just a quickie as unplanned child number four has just woken crying. This is what I have had for lunch for 3 out of the last 4 days. Yummo. . . .

Tuna with garlic and olive oil on potato with baby rocket, baby spinach, tomato, and feta.

I will check out how many points it is at the end of the week.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

But this is about more than that . . . . .

I had decided that this just wasn't a woe is me bloody blog about me being a fat arse and trying to do something about it, hence the change to the punky out-there chic with tatts and dreads and the new name. It's all about me, inside and out. That being said, I thought I would post a bit of random stuff since I have concentrated on the weight loss thing for quite a few posts now. Of course, weighty issues will be in here, as that is a large, excuse the pun, part of my daily thoughts.

For those of you who don't know my details, here's a bit about me:

I am a 31 year old Kiwi (slang for New Zealander) who has a really bad attitude to the majority of things. I used to be a really happy go lucky chic, or so I told myself, and then I got run over by a gay man in a VW while intoxicated at 18 years old and everything went haywire. I packed on weight and didn't really think about it at all until I had my second child and my mother pointed out that I was rather overweight. That was just over 6 years ago and I have obsessed about it, and copious amounts of other mental and physical health issues, ever since.

When I look back now I can see the forest despite the trees and realise that I never really was happy go-lucky, I just drank copious amounts in every possible social situation to make sure I was the loud fun person. The guys loved me, I was one of their mates and could drink most of them under the table, and at the end of the night, if they couldn't score, one would usually try it on and, dependent on state of intoxication, they would sometimes get lucky. This is something I am not proud of but realise that it was a desperate attempt to replace the lack of companionship in my life. I have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts from as early as 16 years old. Often made pathetic attempts eg. "slashing" my wrists with the little pointy part of a watch strap buckle at 17 years old, what the fuck?? I mean really, there is no way that was ever going to work. Most times it is an overeaction to something emotional that I couldn't control. So, it was logical that I would start using food as my crutch once I ditched the alcohol abuse due to arrival of offspring.

I was always the fat sister. My nickname was Julubous and my darling sister (we are very close now but she did go through a long stage of being a complete bitch) made up a song called "Blubber Bum" that she and younger brother used to sing. I was only 59kg at the time and stood 165cm tall, as I do now. So technically, I was perfect weight for my age but I had what would later be coined as a J-Lo arse!

I am the eldest of four children. I am highly opinionated. I am highly emotional and I am a clinically diagnosed control freak with social phobias and a sprinkling of depression, which is controlled for the majority of the time by sheer lack of minutes in the day to think about it. I love music of all sorts. I have a love of natural medicine and preventative health care (fucken ironic considering I am obese, a self-imposed health problem!).

I love people being straight up with me. I hate procrastinating but I indulge on a daily basis. I am extremely hard on myself. I am selfish and grumpy.

I would love to design clothing and I would love to be able to design and sew my own wedding dress. I love horses and good food (I know, that one's a given!). I love my family and I adore my fiance, even though I have a highly volatile attraction to him and sometimes could literally knock his teeth out.

I love a good rum and coke and am known to sing "The Gambler", every bloody word of it, from start to finish on every possible occassion.

I can't stand cruelty in any form. I can't stand the fact that a person can come into your own home, rape your wife and threaten your children's lives, yet if you set your dog on them, you can be done for assault. That is just plain wrong. I hate the fact that my kids don't play in the streets with my neighbours kids.

I love tulips.

I hate materialism yet I also hate my old lounge suite, it sucks!!

I hate long bloody blog posts about abso-fucken-lutely nothing.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Day One - DONE!!

Made a decision half way through the day to not track my points but to just track my food. I am just doing this for the first week, be it detrimental or not, to see what I am doing without the points. So at the end of the week I am going to point up everything that I ate for the week and see how close I was to what I needed to be. This is to see whether I am capable of making my healthier decisions, still keeping to approx point values, but without the constant point counting. We'll see if it works next Thursday morning. I know - a bit dangerous on my first week but I think, if these changes are for life then I really need to see how I am gauging my intake by my hunger/choices and see if they match up with what I should be doing. After that it will be points.

As for the first day, well!! I didn't realise how bad I had become at picking at food every time I enter the kitchen. There is a part of my subconcious that just takes over and makes my hand reach to put food in my cakehole. It started as early as breakfast when I reached for Phoeb's leftover crusts without even thinking. Terrible!! And then every time I went in the vicinity of food I was actually having to stop myself from reaching out for something to shove in my gob.

So I had a few mental struggles but I got through them.

Had Tuna with garlic and olive oil on a baked potato with a baby rocket and spinach leaf salad. And an orange.

Dinner was a Lamb chop with one potato and more salad.

After dinner, "it's bloody hot but I ain't having an icecream" treat was a Fruju. From memory these are only worth about 1 - 1.5pts. Blair had a waffle cone with orange choc chip and hokey pokey icecream and a Fruju. Obviously thinks he needs it!!

All in all I had a good day with plenty of good food and plenty of water, although not enough to reach target. No snacking, apart from a scheduled afternoon coffee with biscuits (2), but all planned for.

Feeling good.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Start Weight (if you missed it): 106.4kg or 234 pounds for you out of country folk
Goal Weight: 65kg but could I make it to 60kg?(Dreamer??)
Kgs to Lose: 41.4kg

Not as bad as I had thought, although still very bad. When I started after Phoebe was born I was 109.8kg so definitely in a better place than then, with half a stone less to lose!!

Have started the day with weighin, 700mls of water with lemon juice in it and a plate of cereal with yoghurt.

Need to go to garage and find Chub Club filing box and get out point guides and calculators so that I can get back into point mode. Having niece to stay tonight, which should be interesting. She's a wee firecracker when she wants to be, but then again, what kid isn't (Phoebe jumps to mind!!)

I'll end with a lovely photo that I took on my little Nokia cellphone of the gorgeous sky over Rangiora on Sunday night. I love my town.