Thursday, July 19, 2007

Any Orrifice You Barstards Don't Need to Violate??

The last seven days have left me with the "it's been one of those weeks" feeling.

I have had seven days of violation and it all hit the surface on Wednesday night as I lay on my bed weeping like a widow!!

We all know I had the vadge violated with the IUD incident.

Then I had blood tests for pregnancy, (negative by the way!!).

Is a vein considered an orrifice?? It should be!!

Then the straw that broke the camel's back came yesterday.

I had to go for a bladder test/x-ray so that they can test my bladder muscles and see if my pee bag is irritable. If it wasn't before it sure as hell is now!

I had to turn up at the hospital yesterday for a catheter (well, let's not be coy - two catheters) to be stuck up me peehole and another tube to be stuck up my rectum!!

I entered the room in my clay coloured gown feeling as nervous as a dog before a neutering. I met the Professor/corpse that was performing the tests and his sidekick nurse/skeleton. There were two more audience members behind a curtain in the xray room.

I had to jump up on a skinny little table, roll over to face the wall and then a tube was stuck up my rectum. The professor pushed a bit, mumbling about not being able to get it in, and then off it shot, right up the jacksy!! Talk about fucken uncomfortable. Then I had to roll back on my back, hike up the legs and drop my knees so he could rub a freezing concoction on my opening so that the tube wouldn't hurt as much as he shoved it up my pee hole.

I looked at the roof and tried to relax (yeah fucken right!)and it hurt and I felt very sad. As I looked at the roof I thought of Steph and the vadge incident and thought to myself, well I fucken top her on this one!! Then I thought, what the fuck are you doing thinking about your blog buddy while you are getting a catheter stuck up your peehole by a geriatric?? Who knows!

So then skeletor nurse proceeds to fill up my bladder with cold saline.

"Just let us know when it starts to feel full"

So I quickly let them know that it felt full but according to The Walking Corpse there was no way I should feel full yet.

After a series of coughing, bearing down and all sorts of bullshit that they watched via x-ray on tv, they informed me that I would have to hold onto the sides of the bed as they were about to tip me up vertical. The whole fucken maching tipped forward and I felt like I was going to fall off the thing, bare arse in the air. Then the old one gave me a contraption that looked like a funny thing you would hop on at the local trade fair. It was a urine collecting funnell and it had a large curved handle at the front of it.

"Just position it up against you very tightly as if you were riding a bike, nice and snug, then relax and empty your bladder."

They all stepped away and here I stood teetering on the edge of the little foot panel, urine collector between my legs, holding on tight to a stupid handle that reminded me of a pogo stick, and - - - nothing happened.

"Just close your eyes and imagine you are on the toilet at home" then steps away again.

After a minute or two of non urination, a cellphone went off behind the wee viewing wall where the x-ray people were hanging out. Fuck this, there is no way I'm gonna be able to pee.

They gave up on me, flipped the bed back and sent me on my way.

So I got home, went through the motions of making dinner etc and then lost the plot and lay on my bed and howled. I felt rather violated and if any fucker wants to go near any of my holes any time soon they have better have a bloody good reason for doing so.


Chris H said...

Oh my god, you do have all the fun don't ya!!! What the hell did ya need all that for?????? Why another one up ya rectum??? You poor poor tart!!! I am beyond glad it was not me is all I can say, I don't think I could have done it really....

Name: Lynise said...

oh yuck, you poor thing Jules, what an absolutely horrific thing to have to experience. As Chris has said, why are they testing for or doing when they have to carry out something like that?

Hope you are feeling somewhat better today.

Lee-Anne said...

You poor thing. What a horrid thing to have to go through. I had a catheter just after I'd given birth by a newbie. After the second time she couldn't get it in I told her strike three and you're out.

How rude of them to put you through that.

Cheer up babe. At least you're not preggers.


rand(om) bites said...

Oh hon, how horrible! It's bad enough doing the procedure itself without a damn audience. It's such an intimate experience and it sounds like you got stuck with the ones that have no personality plus when dealing with patients. I hope you don't have to go again!!

Chris H said...

Just remembered something... I had a catheter in after my operation, and was I sweating wondering how it was going to feel when they took it out... I was "under" when they put it in... well ... It was KINKY.... I LIKED IT... I AM WEIRD EH???? I presume you did not have an enjoyable experience when they took it out.. I hope you are feeling a bit better today mate. And as Lee-Anne said, at least ya not preggers eh???

Mellisa said...

I sat here reading with my legs crossed awfully tight .... But on the flip side, at least they are doing all the tests to make sure everything is working. You'd hate to get your vadge reconstructed only to have another op down the track on your bladder.
You would assume they would employ people with personality not clinical robots ....
I hope you feel better soon ....

Arron's Kiwi Girl said...

While it must have been a really uncomfortable thing in person, it was a FUCKING FUNNY read.

Except for the part about you howling and being upset - that bit wasn't funny.

I'm soooo glad the real Jules now blogs.... you do keep it real, mate!

Hope no-one who wasn't warned goes near ya bits anytime soon!!

hawkeye23 said...

Oh no. What a truly awful experience. I woulda gone home and howled too.

As others have said, at least you're not up the duff.

Steph said...

Oh sweetheart, ((big hugs)) Want me to kneecap anyone? I'm quite good at it.
I'm also very chuffed that you thought of me while you laid back and had all your orifices filled. :P

Tania said...

What an awful experience - you poor thing!

airlie said...

oh my god - that is the worst nightmare i can imagine going through EVER! Seriously - if a guy is going to stick his tube in either of my holes then he better fucking buy me flowers first!!!!!!!!!!

Whoever I want to be said...

Oh how awful for you..... glad it was not me. I think I would have gone home and done the same... Have a good Sunday


Anne said...

Week from hell!! You poor thing - at least you aren't pregnant!

Lyn said...

OMG that sounded like something out of a sick horror movie!! You poor thing! But like Anne said at least you aren't preggers!!

Jin said...

I had the same sort of test years ago in a Joburg hospital.........made me drink & drink & drink water, then took me from a prone to standing position & said "OK, pee" Yeah right! You've got half a dozen strangers wandering around aimlessly & others crossing their legs cos some bright spark decided to pour water from one jug to another. For the life of me I couldn't squeeze a kidney! I ended up feeling a total failure & crawled out apologising. Never again!