Any Orrifice You Barstards Don't Need to Violate??

The last seven days have left me with the "it's been one of those weeks" feeling.

I have had seven days of violation and it all hit the surface on Wednesday night as I lay on my bed weeping like a widow!!

We all know I had the vadge violated with the IUD incident.

Then I had blood tests for pregnancy, (negative by the way!!).

Is a vein considered an orrifice?? It should be!!

Then the straw that broke the camel's back came yesterday.

I had to go for a bladder test/x-ray so that they can test my bladder muscles and see if my pee bag is irritable. If it wasn't before it sure as hell is now!

I had to turn up at the hospital yesterday for a catheter (well, let's not be coy - two catheters) to be stuck up me peehole and another tube to be stuck up my rectum!!

I entered the room in my clay coloured gown feeling as nervous as a dog before a neutering. I met the Professor/corpse that was performing the tests and his sidekick nurse/skeleton. There were two more audience members behind a curtain in the xray room.

I had to jump up on a skinny little table, roll over to face the wall and then a tube was stuck up my rectum. The professor pushed a bit, mumbling about not being able to get it in, and then off it shot, right up the jacksy!! Talk about fucken uncomfortable. Then I had to roll back on my back, hike up the legs and drop my knees so he could rub a freezing concoction on my opening so that the tube wouldn't hurt as much as he shoved it up my pee hole.

I looked at the roof and tried to relax (yeah fucken right!)and it hurt and I felt very sad. As I looked at the roof I thought of Steph and the vadge incident and thought to myself, well I fucken top her on this one!! Then I thought, what the fuck are you doing thinking about your blog buddy while you are getting a catheter stuck up your peehole by a geriatric?? Who knows!

So then skeletor nurse proceeds to fill up my bladder with cold saline.

"Just let us know when it starts to feel full"

So I quickly let them know that it felt full but according to The Walking Corpse there was no way I should feel full yet.

After a series of coughing, bearing down and all sorts of bullshit that they watched via x-ray on tv, they informed me that I would have to hold onto the sides of the bed as they were about to tip me up vertical. The whole fucken maching tipped forward and I felt like I was going to fall off the thing, bare arse in the air. Then the old one gave me a contraption that looked like a funny thing you would hop on at the local trade fair. It was a urine collecting funnell and it had a large curved handle at the front of it.

"Just position it up against you very tightly as if you were riding a bike, nice and snug, then relax and empty your bladder."

They all stepped away and here I stood teetering on the edge of the little foot panel, urine collector between my legs, holding on tight to a stupid handle that reminded me of a pogo stick, and - - - nothing happened.

"Just close your eyes and imagine you are on the toilet at home" then steps away again.

After a minute or two of non urination, a cellphone went off behind the wee viewing wall where the x-ray people were hanging out. Fuck this, there is no way I'm gonna be able to pee.

They gave up on me, flipped the bed back and sent me on my way.

So I got home, went through the motions of making dinner etc and then lost the plot and lay on my bed and howled. I felt rather violated and if any fucker wants to go near any of my holes any time soon they have better have a bloody good reason for doing so.