Brutally Honest

I have spent the last couple of days struggling with the urge to end it all. Not blogging, not dieting, although by ending it all these two things would die a natural death. I have slipped into the pits of depression and I suppose it explains a wee bit my pathetic attempt at rekindling the dieting fire. I thought it was a bad premenstrual hormonal thing but then that has been and gone and things have only gotten worse. I started to feel a bit tense in the neck and shoulders but I ignored it. I started to over react to everything but I ignored it. I started to really relate to the John Kirwan depression adverts on TV but I ignored it. I started to yell and yell and yell at the kids every morning but I ignored it. I ignored it all until I watched Oprah on Friday afternoon in a moment of lethargic self pity and it hit home. The episode was on three people who had attempted suicide but failed. The first was a mother of two with post natal depression who had been giving her family and friends warning signs for a while but no one quite knew the extent. And her mother, being of the breed that just gets on with it, had told her to basically harden up. She grabbed her car keys and ran out of the house. The mother phoned the husband and he alerted the police and said that he thought she was heading for the local bridge (as she had mentioned jumping off it before). A cop car was in the area and headed for the bridge where he found the woman driving too fast. She then pulled over, got out of the car, turned and stared blankly at the cop and headed for the side of the bridge and jumped. He got there just in time and grabbed her arm. You then see graphic footage of this poor bitch fighting with the cop to try and end it all. Then two more cops arrive and they manage to get her over. I started to howl and I couldn't stop. Phoebe got up from her sleep and I was still crying and she said "It's alright Mummy" and I thought I can't do this anymore. I can't keep pretending that I am this martyr and that everything is great. I have had my blaring warning signs since before I had Sian. I went to the doc then but then I thought the options are not easy if I ended up needing help so I masked the problem and showed a solid front. But, my blogging friends, it is not all happy and rosey. I love my children and I love my fiance but I am struggling every single day at the moment not to find some way of ending it all. I am struggling with my thoughts and I feel like they are going to consume me at some point. Believe me this is bloody hard to post but I need to because I just can't keep up the front. Mum and Blair both asked me today what has triggered this but they both don't seem to understand that there is nothing that triggers it. My chemicals in my body are unbalanced and it is distorting my thinking. I even phoned my doc last night at 5.26pm to ask for a referral to mothers and babies because I was worried about how disturbing my thought patterns were getting. He didn't call back, he was on his last patient for the day and probably thought he would deal with it on Monday, not realising that I was sitting at home struggling with the thought of not being here for my kids but also struggling with the thought of dealing with this head fuck for one minute longer. Things aren't better today but people know now. Blair knows and my mother knows and one of my best mates knows (thanx Jen!) and I it helps to know that people are aware.

It is a cruel disease depression and I urge any of you that know someone with it and don't know much about it - reach out because it sucks to be feeling like this and feel like you are all alone.