Saturday, March 03, 2007

Brutally Honest

I have spent the last couple of days struggling with the urge to end it all. Not blogging, not dieting, although by ending it all these two things would die a natural death. I have slipped into the pits of depression and I suppose it explains a wee bit my pathetic attempt at rekindling the dieting fire. I thought it was a bad premenstrual hormonal thing but then that has been and gone and things have only gotten worse. I started to feel a bit tense in the neck and shoulders but I ignored it. I started to over react to everything but I ignored it. I started to really relate to the John Kirwan depression adverts on TV but I ignored it. I started to yell and yell and yell at the kids every morning but I ignored it. I ignored it all until I watched Oprah on Friday afternoon in a moment of lethargic self pity and it hit home. The episode was on three people who had attempted suicide but failed. The first was a mother of two with post natal depression who had been giving her family and friends warning signs for a while but no one quite knew the extent. And her mother, being of the breed that just gets on with it, had told her to basically harden up. She grabbed her car keys and ran out of the house. The mother phoned the husband and he alerted the police and said that he thought she was heading for the local bridge (as she had mentioned jumping off it before). A cop car was in the area and headed for the bridge where he found the woman driving too fast. She then pulled over, got out of the car, turned and stared blankly at the cop and headed for the side of the bridge and jumped. He got there just in time and grabbed her arm. You then see graphic footage of this poor bitch fighting with the cop to try and end it all. Then two more cops arrive and they manage to get her over. I started to howl and I couldn't stop. Phoebe got up from her sleep and I was still crying and she said "It's alright Mummy" and I thought I can't do this anymore. I can't keep pretending that I am this martyr and that everything is great. I have had my blaring warning signs since before I had Sian. I went to the doc then but then I thought the options are not easy if I ended up needing help so I masked the problem and showed a solid front. But, my blogging friends, it is not all happy and rosey. I love my children and I love my fiance but I am struggling every single day at the moment not to find some way of ending it all. I am struggling with my thoughts and I feel like they are going to consume me at some point. Believe me this is bloody hard to post but I need to because I just can't keep up the front. Mum and Blair both asked me today what has triggered this but they both don't seem to understand that there is nothing that triggers it. My chemicals in my body are unbalanced and it is distorting my thinking. I even phoned my doc last night at 5.26pm to ask for a referral to mothers and babies because I was worried about how disturbing my thought patterns were getting. He didn't call back, he was on his last patient for the day and probably thought he would deal with it on Monday, not realising that I was sitting at home struggling with the thought of not being here for my kids but also struggling with the thought of dealing with this head fuck for one minute longer. Things aren't better today but people know now. Blair knows and my mother knows and one of my best mates knows (thanx Jen!) and I it helps to know that people are aware.

It is a cruel disease depression and I urge any of you that know someone with it and don't know much about it - reach out because it sucks to be feeling like this and feel like you are all alone.


Kate said...

Please please please hang in there. I'm so glad you have been honest and told people. Your babies need you! I hope that as soon as you can, you get the help you need.
Much love

p.s. anything i try to write sounds contrite, but please know I do care and I wish with all my heart that you were feeling happier, and healthier.

Briony said...

At least you've realised how you're feeling and what's going on. I hope you can get the help you need to become stronger and happier. Your babies do need you and you need them too. I think it's very brave of you to share this with us, but i'm glad you did. Anything we can do to help you, just say the word. You have my work email if you need a shoulder or whatever. Hang in there honey. Big hugs.

Chris H said...

Thank god you have told those near to you how you are feeling, it is going to help you 100% by opening up and asking for help! I am sad your doctor did not ring you back, and today I hope you go to see a doctor, any doctor !, who will listen to you and give you something TODAY to help you. I know how depression feels, I was ready to commit suicide myself 4 years ago, and I am so lucky that my Doctor helped me .... one teeny tiny pill every day can change sooooo much! You must be one brave woman to finally reach out for help, I applaude you 100%. Your family love and need you, you are going to be ok girl, just as soon as you get help. Don't feel like a failure for having to resort to medication either, stuff what anyone else says or thinks, Depression is an overwhelming disease, not something we can just "get over" or "suck it in" or whatever know-it-alls say. Please let us know how you are asap, cos I'm just gunna worry till I know you have help. *LOVES*

Name: LBJ said...

wow Jules, I am feeling about 1000km too far away (literally) at the moment and quite helpless to offer any real practical support from such a distance. I am so pleased to hear that Blair and a few others know that everything is not well and can only hope that they assist you in getting some help. As Chris has said, don't feel badly for needing the help, you don't need to be a martyr at all. There is help out there and there is light at the end of the tunnel. (dispite how bleak things may look sometimes).
I am popping a private e-mail through to you so hope you get it.

Tania said...

Jules, i'm sorry to hear about what you're going through at the moment! At times like this it's hard to know what to say or do or how anyone can help. I hope that posting about what you're going through has helped in some small way, it's definitely a step in the right direction and I so hope you get the help you need really soon. Please keep posting about what you're feeling, we're all here to listen.

Lynda said...

Jules - this is no surprise. You are not wonder woman. Your body has been through much lately and you have not had a chance to even catch your breath to know who you are anymore. I too watched that Oprah show and it amazed me how calmly that woman tried to jump off the bridge.

Please, please get help and know that we all care *hugs*

Roz said...

Hi Julz, I am a lurker, who just wants to reach out with a big hug, give that doctor another ring and see what can happen.

Big hugs again.

Sandra said...

Wow, I'm shocked. I hope you get the support you need. There's no shame in this - my partner has been on anti-depresants for 7 months now and in counselling for 3 weeks - the difference in him has been profound. At least you realised you have a problem yourself - I'd been gently nagging him for years to talk to someone about his feelings (because he wouldn't believe me when I told him he was wonderful).

Take care!

catrina said...

Hi Jules,

I too am a lurker & want to give you big hugs as well. Like Roz said, call you doctor again. Hang in there, think of your babies. Depression is a tough monster, but with your families help, things will get better. Please let them help you.

Cyber Hugs

Cat (Melbourne)

CaramelKitKat said...

It's great that you have posted this Jules, suffering in silence is awful. I sincerely hope you are getting some help and have the support network you need to be feeling better very soon. There are plenty of people who care for you, and more online, so please never ever feel like you are alone.

tracy said...

Jules, you have taken the hardest steps - recognising what is wrong and telling people about it. You are going to be fine, it will not be easy & you will have good days & bad days but you have your children who need you& the support of Blair & your Mum, plus all the bloggers. There is nothing to be ashamed of & the sooner you get help, in what ever forms (be it medication and/or councelling) the better you will begin to feel.

Mellisa said...

Shit Jules.... I too am glad you let this out, we are all here if you need us.....
Depression IS so horrible, call your doctor again and get help...

Mellisa ((hugging you sooo tight!!))

Karen and Rachel said...

*super duper big hugs Jules* I don't have a lot to add as everyone else has already said it... but do know that we are all here for you. And I do hope that you were able to get hold of your Dr (or any Dr) today to get some help!
Love ya heaps mate!

Melissa said...

Big Hugs to u Jules, reach out and grab all the support you can get and use it.
Take good care xx thinking of you

Beckie said...

Jules, I know how fucked up your thinking probably is right now. But I also know I have just come out the otherside, reasonably unscathed.

I hope you have called another doctor. If not, surely there is a support line you can call. I know there are PND hotlines we can call in Australia.

You know it's serious.

You know it's not normal.

You know you need help.

Don't stop until you get it.

I drove onto the grass of our local lake at the beginning of December. As I drove to the lake to kill myself, I absolutely justified my thoughts by thinking "Bradman will be fine with Mat, he doesnt need a fuck up mum like me".

Mat's phone call stopped me. Actually it wasnt the phone call, it was hearing Bradman crying in the background. When he said "I need your help, Bradman wont stop crying", I knew I needed to be there for him.

What Im trying to say is, you know that your brain is clouded. It isnt reality. Things will get better with help.

I empathise. It's hard, but there is a light.

Sarah said...

Hang in there Jules, I think you have done the hardest thing, which is to tell people where you really are and to ask for help. i am sure things wont be easy, or magically fix themselves, but you can do this, both for you and the kiddies.
We dont expect you to be perfect, or to hear only the good parts of your life, please remember that we are here, regardless of what is going on in your life. I hope you have rung that doctor back (or perhaps a better one ) and got some support or help. you cant do it alone chicky!! {{{HUGS}}}

Jadey 0:-) said...

Hey honey! Well done to you. It is very hard to recognise depression within yourself and then to seek help is even harder.

I hope it helps to get it all out in the blog world too. I hope to read on and find things are starting to progress.