Tuesday, March 06, 2007

The only way is up . . . .

I am humbled by the kind words from each and every one of you. Often I feel that I am yacking away to myself on this blog with my odd regulars chiming in every day or two but I have been proven wrong. This level of support just re-iterates to me the importance of this blog to my everyday wellbeing. The fact that each and every one of you has taken the time to let me know that you care is fantastic for me.

My doctor phoned me early Monday morning when he got to work and found my message at the front desk, where the nurse had left it when she had taken the message on Friday night. He apologised profusely for his untimely response and acted immediately to ensure I was safe. I saw him that morning in Christchurch and then saw Psych Emergency Services at 5pm, where I was assessed by a psych nurse. I saw a psychiatrist today and have been put back on citalopram, which is the anti depressant I was on four years ago when I had my first documented case of depression. I have been off it since the day I found out I was pregnant with Phoebe nearly three years ago. I have had times of feeling down and unable to cope over these three years but I let it all get the better of me and my desire to maintain the facade of coping overshadowed my desire to be looked after like I desperately needed to be.

Mum has stepped in and taken the three older children to their place for the week and I am spending all my spare time until things improve (until the meds do their job) going out there while Blair is at work, to do hard labour on their lifestyle block. My first day out there is tomorrow and apparently I am driving a big truck while dad is operating the digger. Nothing like some hard work to clear the head.

If this has shown me anything it is not to delay when things are getting on top of me. That extra week can be what sends you over the edge and I am very afraid when I think how close I came to taking my own life and how easily I contemplated taking the kids with me to save them from a lifetime of painful memories.

One thing I know for sure is that I have a shit load of soul searching to do. I need something for me in my life. My kids are mine and Blair is mine but it is very important for me to find something of meaning that is mine and mine alone. I also have a lot of head shit to work through. I have had this disease from my mid teens, or so the psychiatrist thinks the behaviour patterns seem to indicate. I have a lot of "issues" that I have buried and they need to be dealt with.

So my journey of self discovery and self betterment (is that a word?) begins. Stick around as I'm going to need an ear (or 20!) to get me through this.

Love to you all.

19 comments:

Lynda said...

I am so pleased that you have the help and support that you need right now. Do whatever it takes. I am glad you told us as I think that saying a problem is acknowledging it and that is the first step to getting well.

Kim said...

I am glad you are in good hands now. I can't even begin to imagine everything you have been feeling but I am so happy that you have got on top of this.

I am always here for you if you need a couple of ears, even if you just want to send me an email to vent.

Mae said...

Oh, Jules... I'm so glad you're seeking the help you need. Realize that doing so does not make you weak. It makes you strong and courageous. It is so easy to push it aside - I know, I've done so. Accepting reality, that's the hard part. Once you accept it, it becomes harder to ignore and do nothing about.

You're a tough, strong woman... aside from being a good mother and partner. That's what you need to look at while you're searching for that something that's just for you.

(hugs)

Kate said...

You are on your way sister, and I'm so glad you have gotten some help now. This road will be hard, but your kids will thank you for it.
xx

Chris H said...

All I can say is "Thank God"... and I hope those pills kick in real fast! Hard Labour, hmmm don't you do that every day looking after the kids! lol

Sue said...

Jules, I'm sorry you are having such a hard time, and that I missed your last post about how you are feeling. I know I'm basically a stranger to you, but please let me know if I can do anything, anything at all. My phone number is 027 453 8938. Ring me if you need to talk. I'll call you back so you don't need to pay for the call. Please know that I am here for you.

Tania said...

So glad to hear that you're taking steps in the right direction! I hope that opening up here has helped in some small way and that you continue to do so - it's so important to know that people care. Take care of yourself Jules!

Lee-Anne said...

Thank God for Oprah huney, that's all I can say. I'm so glad that it made you seek help and glad that you opened up. You have great support around you and with all the bloggers to help lift you up.

Oh Jules, you are so worth it lovee, we'll be around to listen with all our ears.

Anne said...

I haven't been here for a while and was shocked to hear what you are going through. You've taken the first step. I hope that life improves for you. Take care.

Mellisa said...

Great to see your getting the right help..... Chin up chicken!!

Mellisa (always here for a e-mail if you want!!)

Jadey 0:-) said...

I'm so glad that you are getting the help you need both from the medical fraternity and your family and friends.

Sandra said...

Hi - I hope you're starting to feel better. Those are the same pills Dan takes and he got better within days.

I'm sure you will find there is a lot of meaning in your life once you don't feel so desperate.

Thinking of you!

Kt said...

Jules, I'm so sorry to hear things are rough at the moment, it sounds like you have plenty of support from your family which is what you need right now. I'm at a bit of a loss what to say, as I'm not reading blogs that often at the moment and I'm really not up to date with anything. I really hope you are feeling a little better, just know there are many people who care about you.
Take care xoxo

Briony said...

I'm glad to hear that people are helping you Jules. It won't be an easy journey but you'll make it, especially with the wonderful support you have around you.
Take care,
Bri

Steph's diet story!! said...

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time :( you have fantastic support around you if you need a chat you know where i am :)

keep smiling

Steph

Kate said...

Hey Jules, just wanted to say hi and say that I hope the clouds are starting to lift.
xx

Rachel said...

Just popped in to see what you have been up to (been a couple of weeks) and was shocked to read the agony you have been going through.

I'm so sorry you are going through this but am pleased you found the help you needed.
Your family sound very supportive as well which is priceless.

I hope your feeling better soon.

Sue said...

Just wandered by to see how things are going. Thinking of you...

Tania said...

Hey Jules - just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you, I hope that things are improving for you.