The only way is up . . . .

I am humbled by the kind words from each and every one of you. Often I feel that I am yacking away to myself on this blog with my odd regulars chiming in every day or two but I have been proven wrong. This level of support just re-iterates to me the importance of this blog to my everyday wellbeing. The fact that each and every one of you has taken the time to let me know that you care is fantastic for me.

My doctor phoned me early Monday morning when he got to work and found my message at the front desk, where the nurse had left it when she had taken the message on Friday night. He apologised profusely for his untimely response and acted immediately to ensure I was safe. I saw him that morning in Christchurch and then saw Psych Emergency Services at 5pm, where I was assessed by a psych nurse. I saw a psychiatrist today and have been put back on citalopram, which is the anti depressant I was on four years ago when I had my first documented case of depression. I have been off it since the day I found out I was pregnant with Phoebe nearly three years ago. I have had times of feeling down and unable to cope over these three years but I let it all get the better of me and my desire to maintain the facade of coping overshadowed my desire to be looked after like I desperately needed to be.

Mum has stepped in and taken the three older children to their place for the week and I am spending all my spare time until things improve (until the meds do their job) going out there while Blair is at work, to do hard labour on their lifestyle block. My first day out there is tomorrow and apparently I am driving a big truck while dad is operating the digger. Nothing like some hard work to clear the head.

If this has shown me anything it is not to delay when things are getting on top of me. That extra week can be what sends you over the edge and I am very afraid when I think how close I came to taking my own life and how easily I contemplated taking the kids with me to save them from a lifetime of painful memories.

One thing I know for sure is that I have a shit load of soul searching to do. I need something for me in my life. My kids are mine and Blair is mine but it is very important for me to find something of meaning that is mine and mine alone. I also have a lot of head shit to work through. I have had this disease from my mid teens, or so the psychiatrist thinks the behaviour patterns seem to indicate. I have a lot of "issues" that I have buried and they need to be dealt with.

So my journey of self discovery and self betterment (is that a word?) begins. Stick around as I'm going to need an ear (or 20!) to get me through this.

Love to you all.