Who Am I - the honest truth

I have been meaning to have goals for ages now. Not just with weight loss but with life.

I was quite bright at school, easily passed exams and was in the top streamed classes from Form 5 to 7, (Year 11 -13 Aussie and no idea American??). At the same time, as soon as I was put up a class I started to rebel. I didn't want to be seen as one of the "geeks" so I got myself in the shit in all possible ways. I was a bitch of a teenager, aren't we all? I always had an overwhelming sense that I disappointed my parents as I was the one with all the good grades yet I didn't get off my butt and do anything with it. I left school halfway through my last year and got a job in an office. I had a boyfriend at the start of that year who wasn't working or at school and I really wanted to be independent from school life so I could do what I wanted with him without my parents throwing school in my face. The things we do!! So I left and then went flatting and, of course, the boyfriend pissed off and I found out I had miscarried at 5 weeks pregnant after we had broken up. I was 17. I was in a bad headspace.

59kg

I was drunk one night and walked out in front of a car that was travelling 70km/hr. It was a VW so that was the life saving factor. The bumper bar was low so it hit my calves and my knees bent backwards and I went over the bonnet and through the windscreen. I have a windshield wiper scar on my right shoulder blade. I was in hospital for the weekend and then I had to move back home as I couldn't shower etc. After recovery I decided to go to university. I enrolled but then had a fall out with my father just before I was due to start so I pulled out. I was going to do a BSc majoring in Zoology. I went and worked at a car yard as the office chic and then had my ACL surgery on my left knee. I lost the job at the car yard due to not taking the sexual advances of the accountant. Decided to cut my losses and went and got another job at a manufacturing plant in the office. Then, in 1995, I moved to Dunedin and did my Veterinary nursing. I lived in a haunted old villa (a whole other story!!) and spent a lot of my spare time with my aunty who trained race horses.

75kg

I moved back to Christchurch after the course and looked for work but their was none out there in the nursing of animals field. So I checkout chicked it for a couple of months and then decided to go to university again and signed up at Canterbury for a BA. I left after a couple of lectures. Too busy partying. Got a job at a property management firm and was there for a year, lucky I lasted that long the amount of times I came in hungover and late!! I then moved out of the the flat I was living in with a bunch of gib plastering pissheads, moved home and went nurse aiding while I decided what I wanted to do with myself - again. Applied to Massey for Bachelor of Veterinary Science, had always wanted to be a vet, had the brains, why not??

86kg

Got pregnant during Orientation on a one night stand with someone who I never saw again. Got involved with the sort of guy that I would never usually look twice at. Met him through the flat I was living in. Spent three months travelling from Palmerston North to Greymouth with him and then realised that I was being used and rung Dad to come pick me up. 7 months pregnant and Dad helped me move into my own little house. It was scary but cool at the same time. Loved having my own space. Had my daughter in November, had just turned 23 and was quite happy.

80kg

Peta was 4 months old when I hooked up with Blair, one of my best friends. He moved in nearly straight away and that was 8 years ago. I fell in love instantly and our relationship was very passionate yet volatile for the first year. I found out I was pregnant with Ben and Blair got some counselling for insecurities and we stuck things out. Ben was born June 2000.

98kg

Joined Weight Watchers for the first time with two mates. Lost over 2kg in the first week and loved it. Quickly lost 7kg (around 15pd)and was feeling great. Was nurse aiding at night in a dementia unit. Bloody tiring. Peta turned 2 late November and I went off the WW and by Feb was over 100kg when bridesmaid at my sisters wedding. Went on to work at for another property management company, loved the job and the people, got made redundant, my aunty (horsey one) got diagnosed with back cancer. I cut my hair off extremely short and went back to nurse aiding in dementia unit. Had major depression after my aunty died. Lost the plot. Went on meds, left job and worked in public health system in admin. Joined weight watchers another three times in this period. Got pregnant with Phoebe. Had blood pressure issues and left my job. Phoebe born April 2005.

109.8kg

Highest recorded weight. Joined weight watchers again. Had a great leader. Stay at home mum. Lost 7.2kg. Went back to work fulltime. Got pregnant with Sian while IUD in. Left work at 27 weeks pregnant due to bp again. Had Sian November 2006.

106.4kg

Here we are. I need some goals. As you can see my life has been erratic and all over the place. I need some stability other than family. I need interests for me and I need a bit of routine.

Week 8 Weigh In

Start Weight: 106.4kg
Week Eight: 105.2 kg
Loss/Gain: Nil
Lost so far: 1.2kg
Kgs to Goal: 45.2kg

I forgot to weigh myself until lunch time. I usually weigh just after I have gotten up as I have such a fluid retention problem. So, no excuses, still the same, didn't lose, didn't gain. Have monthly visitor so am hoping that this will result in loss next week. As for that challenge I have myself to get to virgin fat by end of March, not gonna happen. As I don't weigh in again till the 5th of April we can safely say that I was 2.6kg off the mark. You never know, maybe I should weigh myself on Sunday morning and just see if I was any closer?? Might just do that.

The Sickness

Our house is full of sickness at the moment. All the kids bar Peta have the horrible cough/snotty nose/cold that has been going around and I have had it over the weekend and am still not over it. Usually I have a great stash of my natural remedies around the house but I have got to the bottom of the barrel on just about everything and I am broke to boot!! So, have had to make do with a couple of cell salts and Phoebe's natural croup tincture.

White tail spiders have invaded my house and I have had two big mothers in the last two days!! I am afraid of spiders at the best of times but white tails just make me want to shake and cry. Not good for the anxiety disorder as I find myself constantly checking the ceilings and walls and floor for the wankers!!

Thanks for the nice comments on the poem, I thought I had better mention that I didn't write it - it was the words on a card that a beautiful lass on the other side of the planet sent me when she found out I was in the pits of despair.

Says it All

You know who you are and I love you for this beautiful card that had me crying like Olly Onion.

I'll bet you've had about enough
of people telling you how strong you are
and how great you're doing
during this awful, difficult
period in your life.

Maybe you'd rather hear someone say
how much this sucks, how outrageous
and unfair it is.

Maybe you'd rather hear someone tell you
that you don't have to be strong
all the time.

Or that it's definitely okay
to curse fate and throw a tantrum or two.

So here I am to tell you
all that stuff and more,
to let you know where I stand,
which is right in your corner.

There's no right way or wrong way
at a time like this.

However you work through this thing
is immaterial to me.

All I care about is that
you ask for what you need,
lean on those who love you,
and trust me when I say
that you'll come out the other side.

Health Nuts

The fabulous Mary has created Health Nuts, a forum for all like minded souls to natter and talk about all sorts of things from recipes to sports undies. Check it out, I'm sure you'll be as hooked as I am!!

Week 7 Weigh In

Start Weight: 106.4kg
Week Seven: 105.2 kg
Loss/Gain: 800g loss
Lost so far: 1.2kg
Kgs to Goal: 45.2kg

Funny isn't it?? You forget about your weight worries to deal with other issues and, due to budget restrictions and the addition of $20 a pop baby formula, you have an old style weekly menu consisting of old cheapie favourites like macaroni cheese, mince and mashed potatoes, curried sausages, fish pie, and bacon and egg pie and you go and lose weight!! Go figure??

Weigh In Week 6

Well I forgot to post Week Five last week so here goes for the fifth week:

Start Weight: 106.4kg
Week Five: 106.2 kg
Loss/Gain: 200g loss
Lost so far: 200g
Kgs to Goal:46.2kg

and now Week Six:

Start Weight: 106.4kg
Week Six: 106.0 kg
Loss/Gain: 200g loss
Lost so far: 400g
Kgs to Goal:46.0 kg

400g lost in six weeks. Well Dr Oz did say slowly but surely did he not?? At this rate I'll be 40 by goal!! He he he.

Thanks for the weaning tips ladies, although the marmite one just sounds mean Chris!! Glad you're not my Mum LOL LOL LOL!! Sian has now had three bottles since lunch time yesterday and my breasts feel like they are going to explode. I did give her a little feed last night as she went off to sleep and her morning one. I am going to keep giving the morning feed for a week to try and cut the milk down a fraction before I dry out completely. (And we all secretly know that I just want to have those extra feeds with my bubba).

I can see clearly now the rain has gone ....

I am back!

I feel really good, have been on citalopram now for a week and I have noticed that my happiness has returned. My sense of humour has returned and my love of life has returned. The suicidal thoughts have gone and life is feeling great. Amazing how quickly it has worked. I don't recall it working so quickly the first time I was put on it four years ago. The biggest thing I have noticed is my own self image. It has improved heaps in a week. What I see in the mirror is different than a week ago and I feel attractive even!! Other than when I had the legs in stirrups at the gynae yesterday when he checked out the pelvic floor muscles, or lack thereof!! I have to go for bladder tests to make sure I have an okay bladder and then will go on the public health waiting list to have a pelvic floor repair and, if they are able to do bladder, they will zip in and tie tubes at the same time!! That would be a blessing in disguise.

I am having a shit of a time trying to wean Sian off the breast and onto the bottle. I have been told that the effects of the citalopram is not really well researched in breastfeeding and that the blood pressure meds that I am on need to be changed so I have no options left for breastfeeding. Sian has had four months of solely breast milk but I still feel quite guilty and the wee darling is performing a treat when we try and give her the bottle. My doctor has told me that I need to do it though to get myself back and that is more important for Sian than the benefits of the breast. Any tips on getting the bub to take the bottle??

I am really thankful for all you guys support and the fact that a few of you lurkers have come out of the woodwork and emailed me or posted a comment is really nice. Makes me sort of feel like I have guardian angels around at all times. This is really the most supportive group of people and it blows me away.

I am back!!

The only way is up . . . .

I am humbled by the kind words from each and every one of you. Often I feel that I am yacking away to myself on this blog with my odd regulars chiming in every day or two but I have been proven wrong. This level of support just re-iterates to me the importance of this blog to my everyday wellbeing. The fact that each and every one of you has taken the time to let me know that you care is fantastic for me.

My doctor phoned me early Monday morning when he got to work and found my message at the front desk, where the nurse had left it when she had taken the message on Friday night. He apologised profusely for his untimely response and acted immediately to ensure I was safe. I saw him that morning in Christchurch and then saw Psych Emergency Services at 5pm, where I was assessed by a psych nurse. I saw a psychiatrist today and have been put back on citalopram, which is the anti depressant I was on four years ago when I had my first documented case of depression. I have been off it since the day I found out I was pregnant with Phoebe nearly three years ago. I have had times of feeling down and unable to cope over these three years but I let it all get the better of me and my desire to maintain the facade of coping overshadowed my desire to be looked after like I desperately needed to be.

Mum has stepped in and taken the three older children to their place for the week and I am spending all my spare time until things improve (until the meds do their job) going out there while Blair is at work, to do hard labour on their lifestyle block. My first day out there is tomorrow and apparently I am driving a big truck while dad is operating the digger. Nothing like some hard work to clear the head.

If this has shown me anything it is not to delay when things are getting on top of me. That extra week can be what sends you over the edge and I am very afraid when I think how close I came to taking my own life and how easily I contemplated taking the kids with me to save them from a lifetime of painful memories.

One thing I know for sure is that I have a shit load of soul searching to do. I need something for me in my life. My kids are mine and Blair is mine but it is very important for me to find something of meaning that is mine and mine alone. I also have a lot of head shit to work through. I have had this disease from my mid teens, or so the psychiatrist thinks the behaviour patterns seem to indicate. I have a lot of "issues" that I have buried and they need to be dealt with.

So my journey of self discovery and self betterment (is that a word?) begins. Stick around as I'm going to need an ear (or 20!) to get me through this.

Love to you all.

Brutally Honest

I have spent the last couple of days struggling with the urge to end it all. Not blogging, not dieting, although by ending it all these two things would die a natural death. I have slipped into the pits of depression and I suppose it explains a wee bit my pathetic attempt at rekindling the dieting fire. I thought it was a bad premenstrual hormonal thing but then that has been and gone and things have only gotten worse. I started to feel a bit tense in the neck and shoulders but I ignored it. I started to over react to everything but I ignored it. I started to really relate to the John Kirwan depression adverts on TV but I ignored it. I started to yell and yell and yell at the kids every morning but I ignored it. I ignored it all until I watched Oprah on Friday afternoon in a moment of lethargic self pity and it hit home. The episode was on three people who had attempted suicide but failed. The first was a mother of two with post natal depression who had been giving her family and friends warning signs for a while but no one quite knew the extent. And her mother, being of the breed that just gets on with it, had told her to basically harden up. She grabbed her car keys and ran out of the house. The mother phoned the husband and he alerted the police and said that he thought she was heading for the local bridge (as she had mentioned jumping off it before). A cop car was in the area and headed for the bridge where he found the woman driving too fast. She then pulled over, got out of the car, turned and stared blankly at the cop and headed for the side of the bridge and jumped. He got there just in time and grabbed her arm. You then see graphic footage of this poor bitch fighting with the cop to try and end it all. Then two more cops arrive and they manage to get her over. I started to howl and I couldn't stop. Phoebe got up from her sleep and I was still crying and she said "It's alright Mummy" and I thought I can't do this anymore. I can't keep pretending that I am this martyr and that everything is great. I have had my blaring warning signs since before I had Sian. I went to the doc then but then I thought the options are not easy if I ended up needing help so I masked the problem and showed a solid front. But, my blogging friends, it is not all happy and rosey. I love my children and I love my fiance but I am struggling every single day at the moment not to find some way of ending it all. I am struggling with my thoughts and I feel like they are going to consume me at some point. Believe me this is bloody hard to post but I need to because I just can't keep up the front. Mum and Blair both asked me today what has triggered this but they both don't seem to understand that there is nothing that triggers it. My chemicals in my body are unbalanced and it is distorting my thinking. I even phoned my doc last night at 5.26pm to ask for a referral to mothers and babies because I was worried about how disturbing my thought patterns were getting. He didn't call back, he was on his last patient for the day and probably thought he would deal with it on Monday, not realising that I was sitting at home struggling with the thought of not being here for my kids but also struggling with the thought of dealing with this head fuck for one minute longer. Things aren't better today but people know now. Blair knows and my mother knows and one of my best mates knows (thanx Jen!) and I it helps to know that people are aware.

It is a cruel disease depression and I urge any of you that know someone with it and don't know much about it - reach out because it sucks to be feeling like this and feel like you are all alone.

Week Four Weigh In

Start Weight: 106.4kg
Week Four: 106.4 kg
Loss/Gain: 200g loss
Lost so far: Nothing!!
Kgs to Goal:46.4kg

Nothing ventured, nothing lost!!

Chris puts it so well in her comment when she gives me a good boot up the arse with her stern, but always fair words. I know exactly why I am still the same weight I was four weeks ago. I haven't had a plan, I have jumped from this to that, all the while knowing that if I don't commit to anything hard out then I don't have to commit to anything at all. But I have stuck strictly to points today and am going to do it without fail every day of the next week. Then we'll see what actually sticking to something can do for weight loss!!