Name It

A couple of you have pointed out, and I have been in a quandry about this since we set the date, that my blog name is no longer going to be relevant after the 29th of September.

And no, I am not changing it to Four Kids and a Husband!!

So .......

In the interests of competitive behaviour .......


I have a "Name It" competition to put to you.

And to make it worthwhile for you dudes, I have the fucken bestest prize for the winning suggestion.

We all know (actually, some may not) that I am a "just about qualified" naturopath. So I have a beauty of a book for you darlings.

It is called Sustaining Health: The Physical Dimension in Health and Healing written by Melva Martin. Melva is the principal of The Naturopathic College of New Zealand and is also a registered nurse, osteopath and has gained her doctorate in something I can't think of right now. She is in her twilight years and is a wealth of information on all that is natural and good for us.

It is an invaluable tool to recognising what is in your kitchen cupboard that can help you with everyday ills and aches. I have used this book every week of my life for the last four years. I have another new copy in storage and, whoever hits the nail on the head with the new blog name, will get it sent out to them so they have this gem at hand.




So all you have to do is get thinking.

Take into account who I am, what I stand for, what I do, etc etc and see what your blogger brains can come up with.

The competition will run until my wedding date and, post honeymoon, I will be back to announce the winner and change the blog.

Just email me your idea or post as a comment.

HELP ME PLEASE

This is not a post as such.

This is a desperate plea for help.

My feet are massive, this has been a sad reality since pregnancy number three.

Problem:

Went to No 1 Shoes on Saturday and literally tried on approx 100 pairs of shoes - not one pair could I get my feet in.

My feet are wide, probably from the last 3 years not really wearing any restrictive footwear.

But the big problem is the thickness - they are, just past the toes, about 8cm thick! I kid you not and that is now when I have been asleep all night. As the fluid builds up during the day they get thicker.

So, what the hell am I going to wear on my feet to my wedding. I need a bit of a heel to make the dress sit and drape properly and, here's the catch ...............


I need them by next Monday night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please any similar elephant footed women, give me guidance.

I am in a very tearful state about this.

The Ultimate Cleanse

So, after much discussion regarding poos, photos of poos and the detox, I finally ordered it and it should be here by Saturday at the latest. In the interests of getting started and therefore finished before The Hen's Night next Friday night, I am starting the fruit and vege only days tomorrow.

It does seem rather bizarre to me to start myself on a strict regime on a Friday when I really will just want to drink rum, drink wine and eat butter by the spoonful. But it has to happen.

I lost a total of nada over the 4 week challenge. I gained 200g. Not really a big deal but not really like I kicked arse for my first dress fitting.

Speaking of dress fittings, first one is on Saturday, hopefully I can lose 8 kg in two days eating only fruit and veges. Not fucken likely.

Bought an mp3 player on Tuesday for the wedding music.

This is where you all come in. Now lurkers, slackers and the like, now is the time to come out of the woodwork. I have never needed you more.

I need to hear THE song that gets you fired up at a party, wedding, or at the pub.

I have many including Copperhead Road, Sweet Caroline etc etc.

What I need is for you buggers to let me know the one or two or three that really get you in the dancing mood.

Go for it.

Knock me out.

I am going to have the best wedding playlist in history.

These are my ceremony and wedding dance songs linked to their YouTube videos (please check them out if you don't know them):

Walking down the aisle/bush track: Arithmetic by Brooke Fraser
Signing the Register: Make a Memory by Jon Bon Jovi
It's all Official song: Afternoon Delight by the Starlight Vocal Band

Wedding Dance Song: Love Will Keep us Alive by The Eagles

Week 3 Results

Briony -
Chubby Mum -
Cranky Bee - hasn't given any results so catch ya up
Jo -
Jules (Me) - 101.2kg Loss 400g
Kittie -
Kitty Kat - 58.9kg Loss 500g
Krissy - 93.8kg No movement
LeighAnne -
Lyn - 108kg New weighin on new scales
Marie -
Mellisa -
Michelle - hasn't given any results so catch ya up.
Rachael - 72kg Loss 400g
Wanna - 73.2kg Loss 800g

As you can see, all up us have either lost weight or maintained, those of us that have given the bloody results!! I weighed in this morning for my final weigh in - 100kg flat, so I managed to gain 200g over the four weeks, which is technically the weight of 1 cup of rice. Not too bad really although the fucken aim was to lose!!

Dress fitting is on Saturday at lunch time.

The Three Bears - The Real Story

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning.....

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first.It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water. And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, becauseI'm only going to say this once.............................................

.....................................................

......................................................


I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!!

Brighter

Well, bubble wrap aside, I still lost 400g this week!

How do I manage to do this??

Who knows??

I did have a couple of 1 hour walks.

I think I'm nearly over the hump.

I'm ordering some Ultimate Cleanse and going to kick start it all next week. I need a new focus and have been wanting to detox and liver cleanse for ages so I decided to follow Lyn's lead and give it a flurry!!

What I won't be doing is taking photos of the excrement that is released from my bowel during this cleanse. While searching for the stuff I found an American site which promoted some cleanse by Blessed Herbs and all these people had sent in photos of their gross expelled shit.

Now we are not just talking your run of the mill poop.

We're talking ugly, been stuck to your intestinal walls for a good 15 years crap! Foul. What's unbelievable is the photos of all Amercan women standing there with a stick or some other object holding up their half metre long excrement tubes and smiling all american smiles with it. What the fuck is going on in their heads?

Hey Blair, I've just done the most foul looking, god only knows how foul smelling, shit in the universe. Would you be a hun and pop in with the camera and grap a snap??

Too much spare time on your hands if you're photographing your turds.

A Head Fill of Bubble Wrap

That is what it feels like at the moment.

A fuzzy unclear feeling with the odd pop!!

I have been reading some inspiring reads lately. Many of you are in such a good place while others of you are in the same sinking boat I'm in. The most positive of all, for me, is Becks. She is just constantly finding the best in every situation at the moment and I would so like to be in that frame of mind.

But I'm not .....

I'm struggling.

I have tears in my eyes right now.

My muffin top is protruding over my size 18 jeans. My skin is shitty. My skin is itchy. My sinuses are stuffy. My arse is too big. My eyelids are heavy.

Why the fucking hell can I not just get up each day, eat gluten free and be a fucken good girl?? I lecture the kids all the time "how hard is it to just do what you are told and behave yourself?" Well actually Mum, it's bloody hard and you can't do it so why the hell should we.

I feel the old familiar feeling of tension in my neck, in between my shoulder blades.

All I ate yesterday were biscuits dipped in coffee, for breakfast and lunch and then I had half a loaf of white bread with butter with fried rice with cheese kranskys in it for dinner. I had at least 6 cups of coffee yesterday.

I have the juicer there.

I have the herbal teas.

Why the hell it so hard to deal with the basic operation of your willpower?

How is it that I can't get my desire to look fab to fall into line with my mind and body's actions?

Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what's on the other side??

Week Two Results

Briony - 77kg No movement
Chubby Mum - 120.5kg Gain 600g
Cranky Bee -
Jo - 82.4kg Loss 900g
Jules (Me) - 101.6kg Gain 600g
Kittie -
Kitty Kat - 60.4kg Loss 100g
Krissy - 93.8kg Loss 1.6kg
LeighAnne - 93.8kg Loss 200g
Lyn - 107.4kg Loss 3.2kg
Marie - 92.7kg Loss 200g
Mellisa - 93.5kg Gain 1.5kg
Michelle -
Rachael - 72.4kg Loss 1.7kg
Wanna - 74kg Loss 2.4kg

A Plethora of Things

1. Gain of 600g this week, officially making me the biggest LOSER in the world. What a dick!! Who gains weight before their dress fitting??
2. Four new fillings, a fixed front filling and my old crown taken off and a new temp one put on, which incidentally is yellow and makes me look like a gangsta rappa!!
3. Lingerie fitted and bought yesterday. Hideous yet great experience. Standing in front of full length mirror with Magic Knickers on and a bustier (which I got for $100 instead of $160 because the lady had dropped some ink on it just under the boob and you can't even see it when it's on!). Not very sexy but I'll find something nice to change into, it's all about what you look like in the dress afterall.
4. Visit to the Urology Physiotherapist who made me lie on a bed with no knickers on and doing all sorts of crazy coughing and tightening tasks while she shoved her fingers up me va-jay-jay to see how conditioned my pelvic floor is. Couldn't quite get if figured so I then had to stand up, do a half crouch with one hand on the basin and my right foot on the bottom of the bed while she crouched in front of me with her fingers up the vjj and she tried to peer in to see what was going on. I was mortified but imagined at that very instant that Blair would think it was BRILLIANT!
5. Bought an Isuzu Bighorn so our oversized family can finally get around together.
6. Was toddler and baby free on Wednesday night so took the older two kids to Robbies for some special time out with Mum and Dad. The atmosphere was great but the food was shit. Paid $13.50 for the seafood nibbles basket which in the description said "one to share". With whom I do not know. Maybe Smurfette. There were 2 squid rings, 2 fish bites, 2 scallop bites (mock!) and a basket of chips. So basically we paid $13.50 for a scoop of chips and some fish flavouring!! I won't even go into the rest of the shit meal. As soon as the mains were served Ben announced he needed a poo (which is translation for "I'll be gone for 20 mins and no other human being is going to want to go into the toilets for the next 24 hours).
7. Was chatting to sister this morning and she mentioned that she was trying to get some photos off Mum for a photo board for my hens night. Mum laughed and said "do you want ones of her eating!!". Sister told me, I went quiet and tried to hide the fact I was crying. Why does this affect me so much?? Fucken bitch. Anyone would think she was Elle MacPherson.

Week One Results

Briony - 77kg No movement
Chubby Mum - 119.9kg Loss 800g
Cranky Bee -
Jo - 84.3kg No movement
Jules (Me) - 101kg Gain 1.2kg
Kittie - 85.5kg Gain 500g
Kitty Kat - 60.8kg Gain 300g
Krissy - 95.4kg Loss 200g
LeighAnne - 94kg Loss 400g
Lyn - 110.6kg Gain 3.1kg
Marie - 92.9kg Loss 500g
Mellisa - 92kg Loss 500g
Michelle -
Rachael - 74.1kg Gain 400g (not official)
Wanna - 76.4kg Gain 1.4kg

So, as you can see, a heap of you slack arsed buggers haven't sent you weights in. This sort of blatant tardiness will not be tolerated. I am a busy mum of four, trying to organise a wedding. You mo fo's just better get the results in quickly or I may just have to beat someone's bumhole with a riding crop.

A Pain in My Arse

R18 - fine to read if you can handle copious amounts of swearing, sex talk and other grubby stuff

In the interests of not having a fifth child, I got a jab in my gluteus maximus on Friday.

I'm talking about the Depo injection.

Now, I have sworn that I would never use this shit in a month of Sundays but I was at breaking point. Thursday morning saw Blair trying his hardest to slip another one past the goalie so I decided enough was enough. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Lucky for me there was a student nurse at the clinic who decided to look in on the jabbing. Good one! Haven't had enough degredation over the last couple of weeks. Truthfully though, lucky for me I was wearing me flash knickers.

So tomorrow I can have sexual encounters with not a care in the world.

So what is the issue??

Could be the fact that you are quite likely to gain a bit of weight on the injection. Actually, matter of fact, the food you eat as a result of the extra hormones in your body making you feel permanently premenstrual and just wanting to eat fish and chips, and burger king, and drink copious amounts of rum and coke, and eat chicken fillet burgers and chips the next day with chocolate milk, and pizza and glasses of chardonnay. Just something I heard happens, not saying that I know or anything!!

So THE INJECTION is the reason I have put on 1.2kg this fucken week putting me back into the fucken triple figures and officially making me want to lie on the floor crying and crapping my pants.

Boo fucken hoo.