Friday, May 11, 2007

Situations Vacant

MUM - JOB DESCRIPTION

POSITION :
Mother, Mum, Mama, Mummy, Mumma, Ma

JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 kms per hr in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:
No health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered.
This job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

13 comments:

Kate said...

Lol, I love it :-)

ombites (mary) said...

LOL - Happy Mother's Day for Sunday (or is that just in Aus?).

x

Yummy Mummy said...

Hi there Jules...
great post... not sure if i fit the description~~

Thanks for your comments regarding the schools... times have changed, not like when mum sent me. I really think she just rocked up on the first day of shcool and that was it!

Either school is great, but i think with my family situation, with the kids being so close, i think it is important that they are in different classes.

We live in a very country enviroment.. not many Merc's and BMW's at pick up!! I guess we are lucky there is no expectations on families in that regard!
Have a beautiful mothers day!

Christine said...

You are going to have a hard time filling that position! Those are too many pre-reqs...only someone like you can fill those shoes. Happy Early Mothers Day to you - I am a while away from the whole motherhood thing - but your posts makes me think birth control is good for a little while longer, hehe. And holy cow I almost forgot - congrats on the loss!!! Wowow!

Anne said...

Love it! How true!

Wanna_B_slim said...

Ha ha ha..love it Jules... Do I take it that you are just about ready to quit your job??? rofl...
Happy mothers day for Sunday hun... enjoy the love...

Tania said...

And yet we still want more :-)

Karen and Rachel said...

I love it!! Thanks for sharing it with us! Have a great weekend

Steph said...

I emailed this post to my mum and she laughed her arse off. She wants a pay rise and annual leave apparently!!

Whoever I want to be said...

So love it - have a happy mums day tomorrow

Jaxx

Lee-Anne said...

Lol, has anybody answered.

Have a great mothers day Jules. You're a super one.

Fat Girls Have Nice Shoes said...

Thanks for the laugh Jules, I really enjoyed that post.

Happy Mother's Day.

Rachel said...

Can't apply sorry as I am already doing this job for much less pay....LOL