Tuesday, May 01, 2007

I'm Blowing Up ......

I was about to do a big boring post on my blood pressure, final breast feed for Sian and all that - but then I decided it's too boring and I might just do it on something completely obscure . . . .

I have an old circle of friends that have been close since about 15 years old. We have had our split ups etc, some of us have married each other (co-ed) and some of us have completetly decided we don't have anything in common.

Two mates that I have stayed really close to are N and K. N has just had a baby, day before me, and is suddenly the "mother of the earth". And that is not my term, she calls herself that. This is the chic that has constantly had something to say about my mothering, and others, before she had even had kids of her own. K is a blast of a chic. Had a rough year when she was 16 and lost her boyfriend to a gun accident. She went through her ups and downs and there was plenty of drama but we all still loved her for her sassy ways. The three of us have remained pretty tight. N has recently married and thinks she is the schnizz! K is my World Vision mate who has spent half of last year travelling around Thailand, Laos and VietNam by herself, she is a small blondey with the balls of an elephant. She gets out in the fields and plants the rice with the old arthritic ladies and hitch hikes on the back of scooters with fair dinkum monks. I love her to bits. She drinks like a fish and parties hard. N is like the polar opposite but still has her special place. But ..... this is the scenario that went down last week and I want some opinions as to what we all think of this behaviour:

N phoned K to see if she would like to have dinner with them on the Wednesday night as her and her husband and baby were staying in the husband's mothers 2 bdrm unit in town. They currently live in a tin shed with a bucket of sawdust for a toilet so this is luxury for them. K said she'd love to and would it be okay if she brought her boyfriend of 3 months so that they could finally meet him. N said "oh, if you really want to, there isn't very much room and C (her husband) has invited a mate as well". K, being K, thought fuck it, I'll take him, no dramas. Then the next night N txt K to say, C is going to invite his sister and husband as well so there is not enough room for you and your boyfriend so you will have to miss out.

Now I find this fucken rude. Who invites somebody over for dinner and then phones the night before to say they've invited somebody else the same night so you can't come anymore. The chic has lost the plot. She has turned into a doormat for her husband who is a pig! Blair is Maori, for any of you who didn't already figure that one out from the kids' beautiful colouring. N is not. Her husband is 1/38th or less but is always going on and on about it, they have both gone and learnt Te Reo and refer to everything in Maori. They even named their completely unMaori looking wee boy a Maori name and not a common one either! They are looking at putting him in a full immersion Maori school. They are doing nothing for his future at all. And she has the fucken gall to come around here and tell me that Sian doesn't look as Maori as her wee boy. Who fucken cares?? She tells me I am letting the house go if I have washing on the couch to fold and tut tutts because I have decided to feed Sian baby food at 4 months. This is my fourth kid, I think I know what the hell I am doing!! She knew about Phoebe's second birthday for ages and half an hour after it had started txt me to say that they couldn't come because they wanted to cut some firewood before C went away (two weeks later!!). This episode with K is about the final straw for me. Am I being over sensitive or is it just time to say "this friendship has died it's natural death and move on"? The sad thing is she thinks we are best friends still!! I can't stand her self obsessed bullshit and I can't believe she thinks she has the right to be so bloody judgemental to everyone.

Am I being a cow??


ombites (mary) said...

Definitely not being a cow. She isn't giving a shit about how anyone would feel by what she says and does. I have some friends like this and I just have to keep my distance. You can't change her, all you can do is change your reaction to her and keep your distance. You don't need or deserve this BS in your life. You can still be friends but yeah, don't put yourself out. If people make you feel like crap all the time, they are not friends.

Lyn said...

Ok here's my 2cents worth... in life people are kind while others are bitches. I always believe people do things for a reason (whether that's insecurity or failing to stand up to a boyfriend and voice her opinions or whatever). That doesn't excuse the behaviour but helps us understand why they do what they do.

But all this aside the statement I always live by is "what goes around comes around" and the bitchiness she has done will one day through whatever means come and bite her in the ass!! without the need for "revenge" from the other party/parties.

I have seen this principle come true time and time again.

Wanna_B_slim said...

Oh dear... Jules.. I think it is about time to step back and just let the "mother of the earth" go her own way...
That is sooooooo negative....
No good vibes coming from that one I am afraid..
I think you are ballst enough to deal with her shit.. if not then maybe it is time you were... If she slings at you about your methods just look her in the eye and tell it to her straight. You dont have to be mean.. just tell her how you feel.
maybe it is time she was told to back off and stop treating others like shit...

Lee-Anne said...

Yup. She's fucken rude. Hasta la vista.

No need for people to be obnoxious. As we grow some of us do grow part. Take on some of our partners traits. Albeit good or not.

Do or in this case speak unto others as you want others to speak unto you.

I'd be as blunt back. And yeah, what goes around definitely comes around. Trust me.

Chris H said...

I echo what everyone else has said... with gusto! She just needs to be given a wide berth, or else blast her outta the water and tell her how her behaviour makes you feel..... depends on how strongly you feel about it... either you can step back and hold ya tongue or not! I would have shut up once upon a time, but now I am sure given the same situation I'd have blasted her outta the water. She sounds like an abnoxious bloody know it all, wanna be Maori (why???), too weird. I am just sad you are going through this sort of shit.. but then, shit happens all the time eh? You either have to laugh or cry!

Sandra said...

Dead as a doornail, Jules.

They sound as if are just not secure enough in their own identity. Fair enough if they want to learn Te Reo - personally I think all NZers should know some. But the rest of that stuff is rubbish - and being that rude to guests is decidedly un-Maori. The Maori people I know would bend over backwards to make guests feel welcome - especially life-long friends.

You don't need those kinds of people in your life! Energy sappers...

Kate said...

Sometimes it's time to let friendships go.. and I think sometimes you will find your way back to each other in a different situation, sometimes it's just over.

She definitely sounds so rude, lol i was shocked at the uninviting thing! Terrible!

Anne said...

Life is too short to have have 'friends' like that. Try to let go and put the friendship behind you.

Lyn said...

Re: your comment ... I never even thought about the op coming up and how that would effect the new shop ... duh!!! lol

Name: Lynise said...

Hi ya,
Well since I'm not one to keep my opinion to myself, theres my thoughts.

Every friendship will go through a range of different fazes. There will be times when you feel you have more in common and often that commonality will bring you together. Other times you tend to drift away a little and thats ok to, but at the end of the day a friendship should be something that makes you feel good.

The foundation of every friendship has to be respect, and wanting the best for the other person.

Unfortunately your friend has crossed the line BIG TIME. Her cancelling the invite is 'off the planet rude' (couldn't think of any other way to describe it).
Its so darn disrespectful that I have to wonder how someone does that to a so called friend.

In regards to all the comments she has made regarding your parenting etc, it sounds like she is trying to be compeditive which can be due to them trying to push you down in order to make themselves feel better.

Only you will know if the friendship can be salvaged but from what you have said, the whole way she treats people isn't good, and a true friendship won't survive this if it carries on.

At the end of the day, a friendship isn't a friendship if the other person upsets you and is always critisizing you.

Zara said...


Kidding! Of course you're not a cow. If anything, you'd be that lovely horse you posted a pic of below.

You know the answer to this one, and so does everyone else. This chick sounds toxic - a real energy-drainer. You have enough things to tax your energy without her harshing your buzz.

Let her go! She's not worthy of a cool chick like you. I'm not being sarcastic. I really mean it!

Arron's Kiwi Girl said...

I'm a bit late, but here goes.

My opinion of this is that as she has been a good friend in the past, rather than cutting her loose you might want to talk to her and explain how you feel, how her comments are hurtful, and how she isn't being fair to the friendship. Possibly leave out the thing with K, cause really that's K's issue to deal with her, make it about your thoughts. Or she will feel cornered and ganged up on, and will react accordingly.

If she is a true friend, she will listen, and take it on board. If not, you have given it a shot, and still not allowed yourself to be walked all over.

Good luck Jules


Rachel said...

Yep, yep, yep and yep, totally agree with everyone.

She isn't acting like a friend and if your not up to telling her straight out, then I would just let the friendship die out by not returning her calls etc and she will eventually get the message (hopefully).

You said you three have known each other since you were 15, has she progressively gotten worse or is it just since she got married and had a child? Unfortunately I know quite a few men (Maori and otherwise) that are very insecure with their wifes friends and this happens. If she is willing to act like her husband and not stand up for both of you to save the friendship (surely she doesn't think this is normal friendship behaviour) then it really isn't a friendship at all.

Yay Sian is on solids.......wow they grow so fast eh?

Tania said...

I've learnt that as harsh as it may seem at times friendships do run their course and sometimes you just have to let go! I don't think you're being too harsh at all, time to move on, after all you deserve better friends than this.

I walked away from a 15 year friendship about 5 years ago because she couldn't help but bad mouth my boyfriend and tell me often how we're not suited and wouldn't last - I haven't spoken to her since, and as for the boyfriend that wouldn't last, well we're now married with a baby! I have no regrets.

Melissa said...

Hey mate, no offence taken from your post!! sounds like you have quite the battle going on.. I think sometime you have to cut ties to repair things when they have gone too far.
Take care P.s ... Had to laugh at the Red Lion comment!! That'll be us!!! hahahaha
Had a fatty gal shake there last time so looking forward to the skinny arse shake!!

Ana said...

Kia Ora,

I definitely don't think its healthy for you or her to be friends.

What makes me sad about this whole post is that there appears to be some sort of jealousy between both you and her. Good on her for learning the Reo and attempting to pass it onto her tamariki..you shouldn't put her down for that.
At the end of the day it doesn't matter if you are 1/4maori 1/16maori or you have just been whangai'd in - it isn't a competition and don't let it become one.