But this is about more than that . . . . .

I had decided that this just wasn't a woe is me bloody blog about me being a fat arse and trying to do something about it, hence the change to the punky out-there chic with tatts and dreads and the new name. It's all about me, inside and out. That being said, I thought I would post a bit of random stuff since I have concentrated on the weight loss thing for quite a few posts now. Of course, weighty issues will be in here, as that is a large, excuse the pun, part of my daily thoughts.

For those of you who don't know my details, here's a bit about me:

I am a 31 year old Kiwi (slang for New Zealander) who has a really bad attitude to the majority of things. I used to be a really happy go lucky chic, or so I told myself, and then I got run over by a gay man in a VW while intoxicated at 18 years old and everything went haywire. I packed on weight and didn't really think about it at all until I had my second child and my mother pointed out that I was rather overweight. That was just over 6 years ago and I have obsessed about it, and copious amounts of other mental and physical health issues, ever since.

When I look back now I can see the forest despite the trees and realise that I never really was happy go-lucky, I just drank copious amounts in every possible social situation to make sure I was the loud fun person. The guys loved me, I was one of their mates and could drink most of them under the table, and at the end of the night, if they couldn't score, one would usually try it on and, dependent on state of intoxication, they would sometimes get lucky. This is something I am not proud of but realise that it was a desperate attempt to replace the lack of companionship in my life. I have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts from as early as 16 years old. Often made pathetic attempts eg. "slashing" my wrists with the little pointy part of a watch strap buckle at 17 years old, what the fuck?? I mean really, there is no way that was ever going to work. Most times it is an overeaction to something emotional that I couldn't control. So, it was logical that I would start using food as my crutch once I ditched the alcohol abuse due to arrival of offspring.

I was always the fat sister. My nickname was Julubous and my darling sister (we are very close now but she did go through a long stage of being a complete bitch) made up a song called "Blubber Bum" that she and younger brother used to sing. I was only 59kg at the time and stood 165cm tall, as I do now. So technically, I was perfect weight for my age but I had what would later be coined as a J-Lo arse!

I am the eldest of four children. I am highly opinionated. I am highly emotional and I am a clinically diagnosed control freak with social phobias and a sprinkling of depression, which is controlled for the majority of the time by sheer lack of minutes in the day to think about it. I love music of all sorts. I have a love of natural medicine and preventative health care (fucken ironic considering I am obese, a self-imposed health problem!).

I love people being straight up with me. I hate procrastinating but I indulge on a daily basis. I am extremely hard on myself. I am selfish and grumpy.

I would love to design clothing and I would love to be able to design and sew my own wedding dress. I love horses and good food (I know, that one's a given!). I love my family and I adore my fiance, even though I have a highly volatile attraction to him and sometimes could literally knock his teeth out.

I love a good rum and coke and am known to sing "The Gambler", every bloody word of it, from start to finish on every possible occassion.

I can't stand cruelty in any form. I can't stand the fact that a person can come into your own home, rape your wife and threaten your children's lives, yet if you set your dog on them, you can be done for assault. That is just plain wrong. I hate the fact that my kids don't play in the streets with my neighbours kids.

I love tulips.

I hate materialism yet I also hate my old lounge suite, it sucks!!

I hate long bloody blog posts about abso-fucken-lutely nothing.