Where do we go from here?

Come joing me at:

Naturally Outspoken www.naturallyoutspoken.blogspot.com

Final Post

Hi all

Final post on Four Kids and a Fiance.

It's been fun but we are moving on up to bigger and better things. Will post link to new blog next week.

Things have been fucken frantic but mate, I'm looking the hottest I possible can.

Have had acrylic french nails put on, never done that before and I am feeling like a porn queen!! Blair hearts them!!

Had a bikini wax for the first time ever. Usually I just let it grow wild and free. Not as painful as I expected.

Had eyelashes permed, tinted, eyebrows tinted waxed, a pedicure and french polish and baby, I love the attention. I'm nicely tanned thanks to those terrible sunbeds and I am all ready to become a wife.

Have been crazy hectic, am about to head off into another day of crazy hectic.

Can't stay and chat.

Love you all, thanks for the help and advice.

See ya next week, I'm off to get hitched in the Alps!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

Drumroll Please ....

And the winner is .....

ME.

I have come up with the best blog name, which shall be revealed once I become a MISSUS!!

I came up with it about 2 mins after I posted the Name It post and then felt too bad to not let you all continue.

Have to say I loved Middle Child's "Legit at Last" and loved all of Beck's especially the one about the party in my pants and "My Life Went Where?".

So, out of fairness to Becks and all her extraordinary ideas I have decided she is the substitue winner.

So she gets the book so any Aussie birds in the region of Miss Beck, you can call on her for all the great natural advice.

The Shoes

I better show the shoes I suppose:

Free

Mother had bought them last year to wear to opening of Kids Xpress in Sydney (my Aunty's brain child for sick and traumatised kidlets) but she never did.

Feet fit them. Still look a bit like an elephant in ballet shoes but all is good.

I am at peace.

What Up

I know, not terribly PC but fuck it's funny.

Is That You Bridezilla??

Have had a wee few things go crazily wrong.

Made my own invites and sent out ages ago. They were on a white linen look card with lavender watermark (my theme) in the background and a wee bit of the sage/avocado green of the bridesmaids dresses thrown in for good measure. Loved them.




Problem: if you are going to make lavender your theme it would be a good idea to do it in lavender fucken season.

I can't for the friggin life of my find any dried lavender in the quality that I need, anywhere. Have been to a number of lavender farms but can't find anything. Actually, one woman had heaps of the perfect bunches but "they weren't for sale".

I was having those little stand up bunches of lavender in a cylinder vase with a bit of river sand at the bottom for my centrepieces on the white tables with river stones scattered around with little tealights strategically placed in between.

Now I have the one and only option of going and seeing some artificial lavender or changing my centrepieces all together!!

Flowers: have found the perfect photo of calla lilies in a beautiful lilac which matches the colour theme to a tee.



Problem: Guy at flower place told me you could get them and to ring two weeks before to check.
Did that. No, you can't get them said the rude, unhelpful serving wench.
Rang again the next day, Yes, I'll try and get them said the lovely helpful man.
Hadn't heard anything so rang yesterday, won't be able to know until Friday, said man.

Problem: when this problem first reared it's ugly head I went into tailspin, straight off first day of detox and into the comforting arms of a moro bar.

Was just going to shut up the dog in her run over night while we were at wedding, with neighbours to check on her.

Problem: she caught a couple of bees last Thursday and swelled up like the elephant dog. Can't in good character leave the nutter at home with the swarm of bees out the back. So phoned yesterday to get her booked into a kennel and then, going through the processes, found out that she had last vaccination 14 months ago so would need another one at least 10 days before she goes in. Not fucken possible as I have NO money until next week and that only gives her three days. Hoping a friend up country will look after her for the weekend, only a 3 hour return trip to drop her off!! FFS!!

I have a beautiful dress

Problem, I am a tattooed up skank and don't have enought spare funds to purchase the derma colour makeup that hides scars and tattoos. I also have a big scar on right shoulder where the windshield wiper dug in when I got run over and went over the bonnet and through the windscreen of my old english HOD's VW. (whole nutha story peeps). Blair says don't worry about it, all part of you so I don't care. I get that but I still would love to not have the world's biggest black pegasus not flapping it's wings from my back above the lovely lace up back of my primo fucken dress.

Problem, I am puffing up like a puffer fish. Arse bum shit.

The Hens Night

Two weeks late but was waiting on photos. Have yet to get any of end of the night, sister was great at organising event but not so great at sending out the photos.

Started night with my wedding makeup trial. Worked out great and, although more makeup than I'm used to, I received many a great comment and I decided that I was looking pretty a ok!!

Went to Ann's Thai Restaurant in Christchurch and had a fab dinner with much hilarity. There were 18 of us and everyone introduced themselves and how they had met me. Had everyone from the girl who ditched me on the first day at my last high school to the midwife who delivered all four of my kids and everyone in between.

My sister went above and beyond the call of duty and made me up a Journey with Jules which was a book with photos and all sorts about me. There was a page with an pocket on it with blank coloured bits of card and everyone was asked to write some advice for marriage on it. Was a great laugh the next day.

Went on to guess answers to questions about myself that Blair had answered earlier. Including "what is your favourite sexual position?" and Blair had answered "on top (riding)". He was so wrong - woof woof.

We then left the restaurant, duely pissed and headed back to my sister's place for a Singstar Extravaganza and vodka soaked jetplanes. Was hilarious and had a fucken blast.

Here's a couple of restaurant shots and I will post some singing ones later, when I get them aye Kez.

M.I.A

I know, I know it's been 10 days since I last confessed.

I don't know if I have the energy to do this one either but I'll do the best I can and then jump ship.

I had my Hen's night on the 31st August.
Absolute blast.
Had a ball.
Great group of friends but I will elaborate with a whole separate post once I receive some photos.

Last couple of weeks have been struggling financially. Really hard to go from weekly pays to fortnightly with no hiatus inbetween. Last week was an "off" week and let's just say that bread and butter was about the extent of the menu. Ever tried shopping for a family of six with three packs of nappies, dog food, cat food and formula taking up near a third of your hundred dollar budget for the week??


Some of you probably have so know exactly my headspace last week.

Friday, got a dose of some bloody tummy bug which started with loose bowel motions and a nauseous feeling and progressed to farting and burping like I had partaken in the most glorious hot indian curry.

Problem being ... I hadn't.

Then yesterday the "piss like a bull out my ringpiece shits" started and have been going ever since.

All night.

So, energy is at an alltime low and I was going to start the detox today. But I can't even eat fruit or veges so I hope to start tomorrow.

Am a bit worried that I may be leaving it a bit late pre wedding to detox. I know that side effects can be massive breakouts as the shit comes out of your body so I would be really scared to look like a pizza on my wedding day.

Bought the wedding rings yesterday. Blair loves his, me ho hum. I went with gold (engagement is white gold) and just plain but my heart really wanted a lovely celtic band. Compromise is a bitch!!

Have been pretty stagnant on weight. Was 101.2kg on Thursday but weighed myself just then and was 99.6kg. But we all know that is all the bum pissing I have been doing!

At the end of the day I will look beautiful and will just have to suck it up and deal with the fact that I ain't going to look like Kate Beckinsale on my wedding day, more like Queen Latifah but damn, that girl is looking fine lately so I can handle that!!

My headspace has been all over the place with financial stress, mothering stress (7 year old boy free to good home, needs watering and plenty of exercise!), wedding stress, weight stress, and it has all resulted in my house looking like a fucken hovel.

It has always been the way in my life, if my head is muddled and chaotic then so is my house. That was okay when it was just me but now that there are four kids and a fiance depending on me it makes it bloody hard for harmonious living to have shit everywhere. I mean everywhere. Don't believe me??










Okay, so photos are shit but you can get the jist of it. Nothing looks ordered and neat.

I have never been fond of house work and get by on the essentials but I just want to spring clean the house but never seem to have the energy to start. And to make the matter worse there are fucken rodents in the linen cupboard. I can guarantee there is a whitetail spider or two in there as well. Fuckers.

So that's it. Over and out, the toilet beckons.

Name It

A couple of you have pointed out, and I have been in a quandry about this since we set the date, that my blog name is no longer going to be relevant after the 29th of September.

And no, I am not changing it to Four Kids and a Husband!!

So .......

In the interests of competitive behaviour .......


I have a "Name It" competition to put to you.

And to make it worthwhile for you dudes, I have the fucken bestest prize for the winning suggestion.

We all know (actually, some may not) that I am a "just about qualified" naturopath. So I have a beauty of a book for you darlings.

It is called Sustaining Health: The Physical Dimension in Health and Healing written by Melva Martin. Melva is the principal of The Naturopathic College of New Zealand and is also a registered nurse, osteopath and has gained her doctorate in something I can't think of right now. She is in her twilight years and is a wealth of information on all that is natural and good for us.

It is an invaluable tool to recognising what is in your kitchen cupboard that can help you with everyday ills and aches. I have used this book every week of my life for the last four years. I have another new copy in storage and, whoever hits the nail on the head with the new blog name, will get it sent out to them so they have this gem at hand.




So all you have to do is get thinking.

Take into account who I am, what I stand for, what I do, etc etc and see what your blogger brains can come up with.

The competition will run until my wedding date and, post honeymoon, I will be back to announce the winner and change the blog.

Just email me your idea or post as a comment.

HELP ME PLEASE

This is not a post as such.

This is a desperate plea for help.

My feet are massive, this has been a sad reality since pregnancy number three.

Problem:

Went to No 1 Shoes on Saturday and literally tried on approx 100 pairs of shoes - not one pair could I get my feet in.

My feet are wide, probably from the last 3 years not really wearing any restrictive footwear.

But the big problem is the thickness - they are, just past the toes, about 8cm thick! I kid you not and that is now when I have been asleep all night. As the fluid builds up during the day they get thicker.

So, what the hell am I going to wear on my feet to my wedding. I need a bit of a heel to make the dress sit and drape properly and, here's the catch ...............


I need them by next Monday night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please any similar elephant footed women, give me guidance.

I am in a very tearful state about this.

The Ultimate Cleanse

So, after much discussion regarding poos, photos of poos and the detox, I finally ordered it and it should be here by Saturday at the latest. In the interests of getting started and therefore finished before The Hen's Night next Friday night, I am starting the fruit and vege only days tomorrow.

It does seem rather bizarre to me to start myself on a strict regime on a Friday when I really will just want to drink rum, drink wine and eat butter by the spoonful. But it has to happen.

I lost a total of nada over the 4 week challenge. I gained 200g. Not really a big deal but not really like I kicked arse for my first dress fitting.

Speaking of dress fittings, first one is on Saturday, hopefully I can lose 8 kg in two days eating only fruit and veges. Not fucken likely.

Bought an mp3 player on Tuesday for the wedding music.

This is where you all come in. Now lurkers, slackers and the like, now is the time to come out of the woodwork. I have never needed you more.

I need to hear THE song that gets you fired up at a party, wedding, or at the pub.

I have many including Copperhead Road, Sweet Caroline etc etc.

What I need is for you buggers to let me know the one or two or three that really get you in the dancing mood.

Go for it.

Knock me out.

I am going to have the best wedding playlist in history.

These are my ceremony and wedding dance songs linked to their YouTube videos (please check them out if you don't know them):

Walking down the aisle/bush track: Arithmetic by Brooke Fraser
Signing the Register: Make a Memory by Jon Bon Jovi
It's all Official song: Afternoon Delight by the Starlight Vocal Band

Wedding Dance Song: Love Will Keep us Alive by The Eagles

Week 3 Results

Briony -
Chubby Mum -
Cranky Bee - hasn't given any results so catch ya up
Jo -
Jules (Me) - 101.2kg Loss 400g
Kittie -
Kitty Kat - 58.9kg Loss 500g
Krissy - 93.8kg No movement
LeighAnne -
Lyn - 108kg New weighin on new scales
Marie -
Mellisa -
Michelle - hasn't given any results so catch ya up.
Rachael - 72kg Loss 400g
Wanna - 73.2kg Loss 800g

As you can see, all up us have either lost weight or maintained, those of us that have given the bloody results!! I weighed in this morning for my final weigh in - 100kg flat, so I managed to gain 200g over the four weeks, which is technically the weight of 1 cup of rice. Not too bad really although the fucken aim was to lose!!

Dress fitting is on Saturday at lunch time.

The Three Bears - The Real Story

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning.....

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first.It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water. And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, becauseI'm only going to say this once.............................................

.....................................................

......................................................


I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!!

Brighter

Well, bubble wrap aside, I still lost 400g this week!

How do I manage to do this??

Who knows??

I did have a couple of 1 hour walks.

I think I'm nearly over the hump.

I'm ordering some Ultimate Cleanse and going to kick start it all next week. I need a new focus and have been wanting to detox and liver cleanse for ages so I decided to follow Lyn's lead and give it a flurry!!

What I won't be doing is taking photos of the excrement that is released from my bowel during this cleanse. While searching for the stuff I found an American site which promoted some cleanse by Blessed Herbs and all these people had sent in photos of their gross expelled shit.

Now we are not just talking your run of the mill poop.

We're talking ugly, been stuck to your intestinal walls for a good 15 years crap! Foul. What's unbelievable is the photos of all Amercan women standing there with a stick or some other object holding up their half metre long excrement tubes and smiling all american smiles with it. What the fuck is going on in their heads?

Hey Blair, I've just done the most foul looking, god only knows how foul smelling, shit in the universe. Would you be a hun and pop in with the camera and grap a snap??

Too much spare time on your hands if you're photographing your turds.

A Head Fill of Bubble Wrap

That is what it feels like at the moment.

A fuzzy unclear feeling with the odd pop!!

I have been reading some inspiring reads lately. Many of you are in such a good place while others of you are in the same sinking boat I'm in. The most positive of all, for me, is Becks. She is just constantly finding the best in every situation at the moment and I would so like to be in that frame of mind.

But I'm not .....

I'm struggling.

I have tears in my eyes right now.

My muffin top is protruding over my size 18 jeans. My skin is shitty. My skin is itchy. My sinuses are stuffy. My arse is too big. My eyelids are heavy.

Why the fucking hell can I not just get up each day, eat gluten free and be a fucken good girl?? I lecture the kids all the time "how hard is it to just do what you are told and behave yourself?" Well actually Mum, it's bloody hard and you can't do it so why the hell should we.

I feel the old familiar feeling of tension in my neck, in between my shoulder blades.

All I ate yesterday were biscuits dipped in coffee, for breakfast and lunch and then I had half a loaf of white bread with butter with fried rice with cheese kranskys in it for dinner. I had at least 6 cups of coffee yesterday.

I have the juicer there.

I have the herbal teas.

Why the hell it so hard to deal with the basic operation of your willpower?

How is it that I can't get my desire to look fab to fall into line with my mind and body's actions?

Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what's on the other side??

Week Two Results

Briony - 77kg No movement
Chubby Mum - 120.5kg Gain 600g
Cranky Bee -
Jo - 82.4kg Loss 900g
Jules (Me) - 101.6kg Gain 600g
Kittie -
Kitty Kat - 60.4kg Loss 100g
Krissy - 93.8kg Loss 1.6kg
LeighAnne - 93.8kg Loss 200g
Lyn - 107.4kg Loss 3.2kg
Marie - 92.7kg Loss 200g
Mellisa - 93.5kg Gain 1.5kg
Michelle -
Rachael - 72.4kg Loss 1.7kg
Wanna - 74kg Loss 2.4kg

A Plethora of Things

1. Gain of 600g this week, officially making me the biggest LOSER in the world. What a dick!! Who gains weight before their dress fitting??
2. Four new fillings, a fixed front filling and my old crown taken off and a new temp one put on, which incidentally is yellow and makes me look like a gangsta rappa!!
3. Lingerie fitted and bought yesterday. Hideous yet great experience. Standing in front of full length mirror with Magic Knickers on and a bustier (which I got for $100 instead of $160 because the lady had dropped some ink on it just under the boob and you can't even see it when it's on!). Not very sexy but I'll find something nice to change into, it's all about what you look like in the dress afterall.
4. Visit to the Urology Physiotherapist who made me lie on a bed with no knickers on and doing all sorts of crazy coughing and tightening tasks while she shoved her fingers up me va-jay-jay to see how conditioned my pelvic floor is. Couldn't quite get if figured so I then had to stand up, do a half crouch with one hand on the basin and my right foot on the bottom of the bed while she crouched in front of me with her fingers up the vjj and she tried to peer in to see what was going on. I was mortified but imagined at that very instant that Blair would think it was BRILLIANT!
5. Bought an Isuzu Bighorn so our oversized family can finally get around together.
6. Was toddler and baby free on Wednesday night so took the older two kids to Robbies for some special time out with Mum and Dad. The atmosphere was great but the food was shit. Paid $13.50 for the seafood nibbles basket which in the description said "one to share". With whom I do not know. Maybe Smurfette. There were 2 squid rings, 2 fish bites, 2 scallop bites (mock!) and a basket of chips. So basically we paid $13.50 for a scoop of chips and some fish flavouring!! I won't even go into the rest of the shit meal. As soon as the mains were served Ben announced he needed a poo (which is translation for "I'll be gone for 20 mins and no other human being is going to want to go into the toilets for the next 24 hours).
7. Was chatting to sister this morning and she mentioned that she was trying to get some photos off Mum for a photo board for my hens night. Mum laughed and said "do you want ones of her eating!!". Sister told me, I went quiet and tried to hide the fact I was crying. Why does this affect me so much?? Fucken bitch. Anyone would think she was Elle MacPherson.

Week One Results

Briony - 77kg No movement
Chubby Mum - 119.9kg Loss 800g
Cranky Bee -
Jo - 84.3kg No movement
Jules (Me) - 101kg Gain 1.2kg
Kittie - 85.5kg Gain 500g
Kitty Kat - 60.8kg Gain 300g
Krissy - 95.4kg Loss 200g
LeighAnne - 94kg Loss 400g
Lyn - 110.6kg Gain 3.1kg
Marie - 92.9kg Loss 500g
Mellisa - 92kg Loss 500g
Michelle -
Rachael - 74.1kg Gain 400g (not official)
Wanna - 76.4kg Gain 1.4kg

So, as you can see, a heap of you slack arsed buggers haven't sent you weights in. This sort of blatant tardiness will not be tolerated. I am a busy mum of four, trying to organise a wedding. You mo fo's just better get the results in quickly or I may just have to beat someone's bumhole with a riding crop.

A Pain in My Arse

R18 - fine to read if you can handle copious amounts of swearing, sex talk and other grubby stuff

In the interests of not having a fifth child, I got a jab in my gluteus maximus on Friday.

I'm talking about the Depo injection.

Now, I have sworn that I would never use this shit in a month of Sundays but I was at breaking point. Thursday morning saw Blair trying his hardest to slip another one past the goalie so I decided enough was enough. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Lucky for me there was a student nurse at the clinic who decided to look in on the jabbing. Good one! Haven't had enough degredation over the last couple of weeks. Truthfully though, lucky for me I was wearing me flash knickers.

So tomorrow I can have sexual encounters with not a care in the world.

So what is the issue??

Could be the fact that you are quite likely to gain a bit of weight on the injection. Actually, matter of fact, the food you eat as a result of the extra hormones in your body making you feel permanently premenstrual and just wanting to eat fish and chips, and burger king, and drink copious amounts of rum and coke, and eat chicken fillet burgers and chips the next day with chocolate milk, and pizza and glasses of chardonnay. Just something I heard happens, not saying that I know or anything!!

So THE INJECTION is the reason I have put on 1.2kg this fucken week putting me back into the fucken triple figures and officially making me want to lie on the floor crying and crapping my pants.

Boo fucken hoo.

Let the Challenge Begin

So who's in?

Moi
CrankyBee
Leighanne
Kitty Kat
Chubbymum


So if anyone else wants to join you have till the end of today to send me your start weight and details.

That is all about that!!

Update: Krissy, welcome, it's a 4 week challenge, counting down to my first dress fitting. Details in previous post.

A Milestone

99.8kg

I have done it!! I have broken the exclusive double digits barrier.

Do you have any idea how long I have needed this??

I have been in the triple digits for over 6 years. After baby number two I was briefly in the 90's but have been in the hundy's ever since. But today I stepped on the scales and was 100 flat. I desperately tried to empty every possible fluid sac and to no avail. Nothing would budge. Blew me nose, jumped back on and 99.8kg!! Who would know that snot can accumulate up the nostrils to the tune of 200g??

I don't care!!

I'm in the 90's.

I would love to be in the 80's for my big day.

So that motivated me to jump on the exercycle and do some peddling and drink plenty of water.

Had peaches, acidophilus yoghurt and LSA for breakfast. Good girl aye??

So, I'm thinking of doing a little 4 week challenge to motivate me. Starts by Sunday so either email me your start weighin for this week or post a comment if you want to join me.

My start weight is 99.8kg. I want to lose 5kg by 23rd August.

Operation Smaller Butt Crack is on!!

My prize is fitting my wedding dress but I want to supply a wee incentive for you guys too.

So the winner will receive a copy of "Diary of a Fat Man" an inspiring story of a man who lost 64kgs.




Progress will be worked out by percentage as per the Biggest Loser so that it is fair for all. Join me, go on, what have you got to lose???

It's the Little Things ...

The big ticket items are sorted for the wedding, you know the dresses, the venue, the reception, the invites are out, the wedding party has been chosen, blah diddy blah blah.

Now it's the little things that are doing my head in - there are so bloody many of them.

And it is starting to make my head ache.

Blair has traditional ideas about the wedding cake, small icing roses etc. Personally I can't stand the idea.

Seems I stuffed up when I chose Lavender (the plant) as my theme as it isn't actually in flower in September - only me!!

Table tops? Had my ideas but the male in our partnership seems to have a million and one ideas of what is going to look classy and what is not. Since when do males want to have anything to do with this sort of thing??

Now here is the big thing:

I have to lose as much weight as possible by the 23rd of August, which is in a month!! I have 4.3 weeks to lose heaps of lard from my arse, torso and arms. Everywhere else too but these are the key areas. So I need a plan and I need a good one.

So here it goes:

Nutrition:

gluten free
fruit 3 serves a day minimum
veges 6 serves a day minimum
lean meats, fish and chicken
no potatoes, rice, pasta, breads etc after lunch
drink 3L water a day
nothing sweet after dinner (only fruit, yoghurt or nuts)
breakfast either poached eggs or fruit, yoghurt and LSA
raw nuts and seeds as snacks
eat rocket every day
start each day with 2 glasses water with lemon juice
once I get a juicer: apple, carrot, celery, beetroot and ginger juice each morning
a green tea after dinner
chamomile and honey tea before bed

EXERCISE

bike on exercycle 20 mins a day, before breakfast, (9 secs hard out, 12 secs normal)
more incidental movement (Hi 5 dancing with Phoebe, more housework etc
weather permitting, walk to pick kids up from school (4km return trip)
sit ups 50 a day, working up to 100 a day
arm exercises (lots of them!!)

Any Orrifice You Barstards Don't Need to Violate??

The last seven days have left me with the "it's been one of those weeks" feeling.

I have had seven days of violation and it all hit the surface on Wednesday night as I lay on my bed weeping like a widow!!

We all know I had the vadge violated with the IUD incident.

Then I had blood tests for pregnancy, (negative by the way!!).

Is a vein considered an orrifice?? It should be!!

Then the straw that broke the camel's back came yesterday.

I had to go for a bladder test/x-ray so that they can test my bladder muscles and see if my pee bag is irritable. If it wasn't before it sure as hell is now!

I had to turn up at the hospital yesterday for a catheter (well, let's not be coy - two catheters) to be stuck up me peehole and another tube to be stuck up my rectum!!

I entered the room in my clay coloured gown feeling as nervous as a dog before a neutering. I met the Professor/corpse that was performing the tests and his sidekick nurse/skeleton. There were two more audience members behind a curtain in the xray room.

I had to jump up on a skinny little table, roll over to face the wall and then a tube was stuck up my rectum. The professor pushed a bit, mumbling about not being able to get it in, and then off it shot, right up the jacksy!! Talk about fucken uncomfortable. Then I had to roll back on my back, hike up the legs and drop my knees so he could rub a freezing concoction on my opening so that the tube wouldn't hurt as much as he shoved it up my pee hole.

I looked at the roof and tried to relax (yeah fucken right!)and it hurt and I felt very sad. As I looked at the roof I thought of Steph and the vadge incident and thought to myself, well I fucken top her on this one!! Then I thought, what the fuck are you doing thinking about your blog buddy while you are getting a catheter stuck up your peehole by a geriatric?? Who knows!

So then skeletor nurse proceeds to fill up my bladder with cold saline.

"Just let us know when it starts to feel full"

So I quickly let them know that it felt full but according to The Walking Corpse there was no way I should feel full yet.

After a series of coughing, bearing down and all sorts of bullshit that they watched via x-ray on tv, they informed me that I would have to hold onto the sides of the bed as they were about to tip me up vertical. The whole fucken maching tipped forward and I felt like I was going to fall off the thing, bare arse in the air. Then the old one gave me a contraption that looked like a funny thing you would hop on at the local trade fair. It was a urine collecting funnell and it had a large curved handle at the front of it.

"Just position it up against you very tightly as if you were riding a bike, nice and snug, then relax and empty your bladder."

They all stepped away and here I stood teetering on the edge of the little foot panel, urine collector between my legs, holding on tight to a stupid handle that reminded me of a pogo stick, and - - - nothing happened.

"Just close your eyes and imagine you are on the toilet at home" then steps away again.

After a minute or two of non urination, a cellphone went off behind the wee viewing wall where the x-ray people were hanging out. Fuck this, there is no way I'm gonna be able to pee.

They gave up on me, flipped the bed back and sent me on my way.

So I got home, went through the motions of making dinner etc and then lost the plot and lay on my bed and howled. I felt rather violated and if any fucker wants to go near any of my holes any time soon they have better have a bloody good reason for doing so.

Is That An IUD Sticking Out Your Cervix Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

Wednesday arvo and I was sitting on the loo (as you do) and I randomly thought, better check the IUD strings are in the right place. Having had one get past the backstop with my last pregnancy I am religious in checking every month, although last month I didn't have to as the gynae did it for me.

So I had a bit of a feel around and then I thought I felt something hard. WTF?? Something hard and plastic feeling. Shit mother fucker ho bag!!

I phone doctor, I see doctor next morning, doctor confirms I
a) have an IUD hanging out me cervix
and
b) have a mild case of thrush coming on!! (Shame!!)

So apparently I am not SAFE, and the past seven days have not been SAFE either!! When an IUD comes out the sperm can still be living up there happy as larry for seven days still ready to impregnate poor innocent angelic wee eggs!!

Have had a serum pregnancy blood test today and let's all cross everything that can be crossed to make sure this bride to be is not pregnant!! I get my tubes tied in about 3.5 months, I DON'T NEED ANYMORE KIDS!!

So my doc reckons I should come back for a new IUD next week but I have decided fuck that. It is just too risky thinking that you're safe and all the time your overworked loose vadge isn't strong enough to hold in an IUD!!

The Neverending Wipe

Caution: Poos and Sex talk ahead

Have you ever got the kids off to bed, done the dishes, the house is in order, the fire is on and it's below zero outside.

Your man is showing friskiness alert signals.

You're up for it.

All you need is a shower and it will be all systems go.

Then the urge to pass a bowel motion hits.

No worries, off to the toilet you go, this is pre-shower so you're all good.

Said bowel motion done, time to wipe.

And wipe.....

and wipe.....

and wipe again....

is this shit ever going to be gone???

A mental image of your impending romp flashes into your head.

Oh baby, oh baby, grope grope grope .... awkward silence ....

"is that shit??"

.................................

Needless to say I didn't have sex last night due to horror at thought of above scenario!!

Moonwalking

That's exactly what I am doing at the moment - Moonwalking, going backwards!!

I have been eating too much gluten. I have had a crook tummy (go figure) and I have put on 1.2kg in the last two weeks!! Silly considering I need to lose weight for my impending wedding.

I haven't been exercising the dog and, as a consequence, the bitch has been digging holes!!


The rain and shit weather is here and settled!

I have decided to kick my own arse. But, could do with a good butt booting from you guys too.

Do I want to look like this on my wedding night???

Tagged

Thanks Mellissa!!!

Instructions: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place.
Then add your blog to the bottom slot...like so...

1. The Fat Lazy Guys Log
2. Sandie Bee
3. Diet Coke Rocks
4. Your Not Fat Hey Mummy
5. Four Kids and a Fiance

AND NOW FOR THE QUESTIONS:

What were you doing ten years ago?
I was living in a flat in the central of Christchurch with two gib plasterers. They used to steal my underwear and pass them around the Christchurch International Airport construction site. This was dirty underwear too!! One pair ended up on a friend of mine's brother's steering wheel!! I had just lost my job and was quickly drinking my way through the 3K redundancy! I was 21 and was in the middle of a sordid triangle affair and I was very unhappy! About 80kg.

What were you doing 1 year ago?
I was pregnant with Sian and working at the accountants, and about to head to New Plymouth for my week long Naturopathy course. About 108kg I think??

Five snacks You Enjoy:
1. Sour Cream and Chives Grainwaves
2. Celery with Sweet Chilly Philly
3. Peanut butter and banana on toast!! With a wee bit of brown sugar sprinkled.
4. Creamy blue cheese on crackers
5. Eggs

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:
1. Hotel California
2. The Gambler
3. Always ... Atlantic Star
4. Me and Bobby McGee
5. All Hi 5 songs

Five things you would do if you were a Millionaire:
1. Buy a farm
2. Buy horses
3. Build our dream house, not just a practical one, it would have stables, a music room, a bunk house, a huge rumpus room with bar, 6 bedrooms for all of us plus a guest wing.
4. Finish my naturopathy, learn to dress design and sew.
5. Have ALL the people I want at my wedding with a marquee at Mt Potts.

Five Bad Habits:
1. The fucken internet
2. Eating
3. Laziness
4. Control Freak
5. Sniffing things, this nearly had me vomit in the supermarket the other day because I sniffed a dried pig's ear that I saw for the dog, it smelt (fucken surprisingly) like rotten pig. I dry retched!!

Five Things You Like Doing:
1. Orgasms
2. Eating
3. Laughing
4. Cooking
5. Camping

Five Things You'll Never Wear Again:
1. Nappies
2. Shoulder pads
3. Size 24 clothes (Well if I don't pull my head in .... that may not be true!!)
4. Leggings
5. Bike pants

Five Favourite "toys":
1. Silver Bullet
2. My computer
3. Blair
4. My kids
5. My sphegnamometer

TAG :

M
Yo Heave Ho (Bags)

The Dress

Well ....

The dress arrived on Saturday and there are dramas.

It is way too small in the bust (I'm in a DD/E depending on the time of month) and I don't think it will be adjustable. The waist and hips are too big but could be adjusted. The drop arms are too tight, I have child bearing arms.

So I am beginning to think the adjustment thing is going to be a drama and a half.

I am thinking I would be better to relist the dress if she won't refund me, get one made that is similar in design and at least be rest assured on the day that my dress is going to fit me like a glove, albeit a boxing glove at this rate of weight loss.

On a more exciting note, Keri (sister, matron of honour) and I went looking at bridesmaid fabrics. She saw a print ad in a women's mag the other day for Mitchum deodorant and it showed a wedding day prep and the bridesmaid was wearing a sage green 3/4 strapless dress with a lavender organza wrapped around the waist. It was gorgeous and, after great yarns with an on to it manager at Fabric Vision, we have decided on materials etc and designs to suit Peta and Keri. The manager was AWESOME! She knew her shit and I asked her if she was a dressmaker as well, and she is. Only problem is that she is moving in a couple of months to Timaru, 2 hours drive south of Christchurch. I will see what else comes up but I may just have to stalk the woman!! Jane, her name is, Jane my dressmaker ... sounds good.

On an even more exciting note, had a great weekend with the fridge situation finally being addressed!

Flirtatious Flop

Blair and I have a routine every morning, the alarm goes off around 6am and we stumble out of bed and he gets ready for work while I make his lunch, get his coffee and warm the house for the day.

Yesterday was like any other morning aside from the fact that I felt sexy. It has been a while since I have felt this sort of urge in the morning and I caught my own reflection in the window. My white short sleeve pj top was tight around my over ample breasts and for once they looked pretty pert.

I instantly got the flirt instinct.

Blair was busying himself around in the hallway and I expected him in the kitchen any minute. I sucked the ab in, put the shoulders back, had another check in the window and thought, he's gonna want to take me!!

Blair walked in, picked up his coffee, walked into the dining room and sat down to drink it. Damn, that didn't work.

In a couple of minutes I knew he'd be back in so I had to amp it up a bit. I went to the fridge and stuck the norks in as far as they could go, trying to stiffen the nipples so that they would attract him like a rabbit in headlights. I glanced down, not as effective as I had hoped, gave them a quick tweak, that worked.

Heard Blair approach the kitchen again, once again sucked in the ab and then had the brain wave to pretend I was putting my hair in a ponytail so that it lifted the girls into full view. By this time I was like a cat on hot bricks, hoping for even a wee bit of attention before my strong builder man left for work.

He walked towards me with a loving look and I thought "Come to Mama!"

He kissed me, said he loved me and off he went out the door.

What the fuck??

Do I need to stand nude with my arse in the air to attract my husband to be??

Any tips on surefire flirting tactics??

NB:**** From now on I will be leaving replies to your comments on the same comments page as you leave the comment on, so if you are looking for an answer check back later for it. I have seen this done on other blogs and it works quite effectively as you don't have to be bloghopping to give someone a reply.

Release the Hounds

I have a confession to make .......

I am not a nice polite person.

I never have been.

I swear too much.

I have often indulged in enough alcohol for about five women.

I love passionately my friends and family.

I am oversensitive to a lot of things.

I love sex.

I love attention but I loathe it also.

I am very emotional.

Did I mention I swear a lot?

I try to be a great mother but sometimes feel I lack the finesse.

I love the "alternative" side of life.

I love crystals and flowy skirts and sandals and incense and the spiritual unknown.

I own a vibrator and I use it.

I can be very manipulative.

I love laughing my tits off.

I swear a lot.

I am a procrastinator.

I love men, not just as sexual beings but as friends, I love the uncomplicated friendship of a male.

I was always one of the lads when I was younger hence the swearing and non worry with the regard to smut talk.

I am reinventing my blog (many thanks for the kick up the maximus rectus Steph).

I often display a very tame version of myself on this blog and have decided that it is overshadowing the hilarity within.

I hope no one gets offended but this blog is about to become more real in terms of who I am and what I enjoy.

I will be discussing body fluids, sex, masturbation (you know you do it!!), all along with children, weddings, and daily life. I am going to throw all aspects of myself into this blog as I need the release.

I understand if you must leave, but please say goodbye first.

Release the hounds!!!!

Be Grateful

Through the fabulous Cazzie, I was recently directed to Ella's Child, a blog written by a fabulous strong woman and it inspects every part of her soul. Written with a frankness that is rare, this woman has shown me how to be a selfless partner to my man. I often think of her and if anyone has a minute or two to spare, go and read her and if only a couple of seconds then read this post. She has just recently lost her beloved husband of around 35 years.

I am in a melancholy sort of mood today. I was up early and went to Christchurch to take Peta to the hospital for her final appointment at the eye outpatients. She has been discharged from their service and now just has to see an optometrist every 1 - 2 years.

It is sleety/snowy weather here and I have no motivation to do anything. I just want to curl up on the couch and watch Oprah or some other mindless crap!

I need water I think.

That is all.

What You Talkin' Bout Willis??

How can I resist this cheeky grin?



How can I resist these eyes?



I have been bad and I have been good. On Friday I walked twice for 45 minutes each time. Then I was a willing participant in the overindulgence of two bottles of coruba!! do da coruba!!!

Then I ate shit yesterday, well not literally shit because that would be bloody gross. I ate BK and I ate other gluten shit.

I have found a jukebox guy that will deliver a 50CD jukebox to Mt Potts, set it up and come back again the next day and pick it back up and it is costing me $250 all inclusive. WTF?? How can the dude be making any pingas?? He will have to do a total of about 10hours travel all up??

I haven't had much time to catch up on everyone but will be there soon to see how you all are. Thanks for all the advice.

I am going to start a competition soon with a fair dinkum prize at the end of it. It will require some wit and forethought on your behalf so keep yourself tuned in.

You Know You're A Bit On The Porky Side When ....

You sit down in the toilet at the local shopping centre. You do your quick business get up to do up your jeans and see that the "sensor driven tampon and sanitary pad disposal unit" has opened it's lid up.

Without you putting your hand in front of it!

Why did it open?

Because the overlap of your fat arse and child bearing thighs hanging over the side of the toilet set that sensor off!!

I remember Ben saying to me when he was about 3 "Mum, why is your bum too big for the toilet?".

This is also the boy who sat at the dinner table when he was 4 and said "someone at this table is fat and it isn't me". As I was the only fat one I think he was meaning me!!

Although he's quite endearing in his own way it can get embarassing. Like when he said to Blair's mother

"You can't sit on our chairs Nanny, you're too fat, they would break".

15 Weeks

I have 15 weeks to organise my wedding. Although, being the utter being of brilliance that I am, I have almost organised everything already.

I have set the date for 29th September this year. My buddies from the Sunshine Coast managed to get tickets changed for minimal charge so they are going to be here for it.

Have organised a celebrant who is local to the area. She is 72, was born in Papua New Guinea, went to university in Tasmania and has lived on a farm in South Canterbury with her husband for the past 40 years. She sounds PERFECT!

Have bought the paper for the invites. Am getting the tattoo that Blair and I both have on our backs made into a rubber stamp and will mark all invites with this celtic symbol, which I designed when Blair and I first got together and it symbolizes the progression from friendship into partnership. I will have two inks, black and lavender, and create a marbled effect. I am going to print the invites in black and have a little sprig of dried lavender on them somewhere.

I am also printing up a brochure which explains where Mt Potts is, how to get there and the accommodation available in the area if people don't want to stay at the lodge.

I am looked at wedding rings on Sunday morning and Michael Hill has a huge sale on so hoping to get them this week. Or at least one.

Got our marriage license form for Births, Deaths and Marriages today.

A friend of Ben's Mum has offered to decorate the wedding cake, she used to work at a bakery and was in charge of birthday and wedding cakes.

My great buddy Kim is doing the photography and Jen is doing the makeup.

I have decided to have a simple bound posy of white tulips with intermittent sprigs of lavender in it. My bridesmaids and the flower girls will just have small tied handfuls of lavender. The boys will have little sprigs of lavender in their button holes.

My MC is Kim's dad, he is a brilliant story teller and great all round bloke. Kim's mum has a designer garden that has heaps of lavender.

Invites are to be out by end of next week and rsvp'd by July 30th.

I have found out about stuff called Dermablend that will completely cover the giant pegasus tattoo on my back, and the scar on my right shoulder blade from where the windshield wiper on the VW Beetle hit my back as I flew backwards through the windscreen when I was run over when I was 18.

And I have been advised to go for Bodyshop Hemp something for my cracked heels. I know, yuck but some of us poor barstards didn't get the perfect gene!!

From the sounds of all the practising, I think Blair is going to play his guitar and sing the acoustic sounding "Miracle" by the Foo Fighters as I walk towards him in the open fields below Mt Potts. I hope I don't laugh with nervousness.

I suggested "Afternoon Delight" as our post ceremony song today but we looked up the lyrics and one line goes on about getting a bit of action so I am still wondering if that is appropriate.

We are having a jukebox with all our favourites 70ish music on it. You know the kind that gets EVERYONE up dancing. The Little River Band, Chicago, Bread, Cold Chisel, Eagles, Fleetwood Mac, Split Enz, the Dudes, Air Supply, the list goes on ........

I went to a wedding a couple of years ago where everyone kept turning off and resetting the jukebox and this one guy kept putting on heavy stuff and it made half the wedding retire to their seats every time. You need the goodies to get everyone jiving. (LOL, just thought that Steph will be thinking I fit into her bogan wedding category).

I'm going to try and find someone who will stay 20mins back at the motel units and come and pick the kids up at around 8pm and take them back there for the night. My mate Jo has this mate Julia, who has no kids of her own but is absolutely brilliant with them and knows my kids and I know that she would be fully capable of handling them all. Either that or my aunty has a number of ex nannies that may fit the bill. I just don't want kids around as I want to enjoy my night without being MUM for all of it.

I need ideas for shoes. We all know I have lymphy ankles, how am I going to fit some nice strappy shoes?? Blair loves the ones that tie up half way round the leg but on my calves that will look like one of those string bound rolled chicken roasts in the butchers. Get thinking people.

And the Winner is .....

Mt Potts!

Due to all of your heartfelt comments, along with my best mate and my sister, I approached Blair and he said "anything for you" and I thought I had better take advantage of him being in that mood.

Have told Mum and Dad and they are extremely casual about it all and Dad is still talking about paying for ALL the extended family which is brilliant. Just have to set a date, will still either be the 13th October or 29th September. If it is available we will probably opt for 29th September as there is the chance our great mates from the Sunshine Coast will be able to make it on that date.

Thank you all so much for your contributions.

Photos of the kids just randomly:


Peta on Crazy Hair Day




Ben on Crazy Hair Day:



Phoebe trying to look cute:



Sian trying to crawl:



UPDATE****

That is not actually Sian trying to crawl it is me trying to take a photo of Sian and just as I pushed the button Phoebe shot her finger in Sian's eye. Actually a very typical photo of Phoebe and Sian's relationship!!

In Fairness ..

I should give the clubrooms a bit of a plug too.

From the left:



and the right:



And a nearly every night typical sunset viewed from the clubrooms:






And all you romantics, we have to remember that Blair and I have four children and this venue is about $4,000 cheaper than the other one!!

This Indecision's Bugging Me

I always revert back to my dream, who doesn't??

This is where I always wanted to get married and where we were booked in to get married on October 22nd 2005 (until we found out we were pregnant with Phoebe!).






More detail can be seen here (please take a minute to check it out so you get a full feeling for what I am dreaming of).

Mum and Dad's place would have sufficed but nothing else is appealing very much. Blair is keen on the rugby clubrooms and he thinks we should change the date to suit. I can see his point, as the club us quite rustic and only costs $100 to hire and jugs are only $7 a pop and we can bring our own wine with a $4 per bottle corkage and it would cost us no more than around $4,500 and that includes food! For 70 people. And that doesn't include the input Mum and Dad may make.

Mt Potts is $300 to hire, is 2 hours from Christchurch in the middle of the Southern Alps and is $59 a head for a buffet dinner, dessert, post ceremony nibbles, and coffee and after dinnner mints later on. That includes all the linen and setting up of the whole function etc. People would have to stay the night either there (at $60 each) or head back to Staveley or Methven or somewhere which would be at least half an hour's drive in the deep back country. But really, I don't give a fuck cos I LOVE the place, and it was where the Edoras part of Lord of the Rings was filmed and it has a special feel!!

Update

Well, due to being so overwhelmed with the wedding organisation I have not posted for a bit. Now, things seemed to have worked out with Dad coming home from Aussie earlier than planned, will be home tomorrow. He has thrown it out there that they pay for extras to come, which suits me fine.

I think I may have made a boo boo on the purchase of the dress. It said size 16 but after accepting offer I was looking at the actual measurements and the seller had put:

Waist: 105cm
Hips: 120cm

That seems rather odd as when I was size 22 I had those sort of measurements!! What the fuck?? Have I just bought a flipping dress that is miles too big for me and I am going to have to pay big bucks to get altered?? Thought it may have been falling into place a little too easily.

Now I have suggested to Mum and Dad that we have at a venue rather than at their place as I feel the uptightedness may come a wee bit from the fact that they don't want pissed up mates of ours trapsing through their brand new home. Fair enough too. So now it is the great challenge ahead to find a venue that allows BYO as I refuse to pay for bar wine prices, and that is available on the 13th October.

I have two options at this point:

Rossburn Receptions:




The venue is $800 to hire which includes tables and clean up the next day.

They have BYO drinks with no corkage, you have to supply a bar tender.

They allow pretty much any caterers and that suits us fine as we are looking at a serviced buffet at $18.95 a head for roast beef, roast pork and semi boned roast chickens with gourmet buttered potatoes, six salads and fresh bread, gravy and condiments. Can't go wrong.

The only problem being that we would have to hire all glassware from the looks of things. That can end up pricey. Open till 12am and you can't go in until 12noon on the day of the wedding set up, otherwise if you want to do it the day before you will have to pay another $300 for that liberty. Gardens are available for service for $50. Is available 13th Oct.

Second option:

Southbrook Rugby Club:

No photo available. Big two story high glass windows facing the north west (sunset) and a bit dated, think 80's decor of your local rugby club but could spruce up.

$100 to hire plus $200 bond, which you get back. This includes bar staff, glasses and cleaning. Open till 1am. Nowhere nice to get married. Can bring own caterers, see above. Have square tables, could hire round ones. Can have bottled wine but at moment they are saying they would buy what wine we want and then charge $4 a bottle corkage. I suggesting that I buy wine, deliver to them on morning and they can still charge $4 corkage per bottle, what's the difference to them??

Don't know whether available.

The last and previously unmentioned option is to find somewhere in Christchurch which would mean guests would not have to travel out of town. I don't want over the top expensive though. No need for it to be as we will have a huge party where ever it is.

What do you reckon?

UPDATE***

Rugby clubrooms not available.

Let the Dramas Begin ....

As the title suggests I am putting up with dram-o-rama at the moment.

When did we set the date, a week ago??

Already the bullshit that seems to follow weddings around is rearing it's ugly head.

Mum had told me, when we dicussing this wedding thing at their property a couple of weeks ago, that she envisaged only around 40 people, immediate family and close friends - and I agreed. Blair and I are paying for the wedding, it is just at their house. Anyway, I find out from my sister over the weekend that Mum is up in arms about the fact that none of her brothers and sisters will be invited. And she has phoned Dad and now he is all shitty too that his family won't be invited.

Now I am confused!! I never said I didn't want the extended family there, I just agreed with Mum that is should be kept small. Mum then rings me yesterday and suggests that her and Dad have had an argument due to the fact that I won't invite any aunty's and uncles. I give up!! I said that I had no issue with them being there but because Blair and I were paying for it all that my friends were going to placed before some random uncle that I see once every 5 years at a funeral. Mum has three brothers and four sisters (one passed but her husband would still be included) so that is 14 extras already and then Dad has four so that is another 8!! If we have all our immediate family including our four kids then we have 20 people so that, combined with Mum and Dad's families comes to over 40 people. We wouldn't have one friend there.

I pointed out to Mum how important friends are to me and that by the time you reach 31 and 33 (me and Blair) that the friends you have are your friends for pretty much life and not just all the people you hang out with on the turps with at the pub!! She stated that family should always come before friends.

I give up!! For Fuck's Sake, I have four kids, I just want to get married to the man I love with my family and friends around to share the day.

On a different note, I have spontaneously bought a dress off trademe. What was I thinking, I haven't even seen it!! This is it but it is in white, size 16 but can be adjusted up or down 2 sizes.



By the way, have lost another 600g this week and am now 1kg away from hitting the elusive 90's. Whoop de loop mo fo's!!

Planning Frenzy

Well, after 4 and a half years of engagement Blair and I have decided to make it official and are in the throes of planning our wedding. We are thinking October 13th this year but have to confirm with my Dad who is travelling the remote north west coast of Australia at the moment.

I have been trying to whittle down an invite list as we are only having immediate family and GREAT friends. Really hard to not invite people but we can always have a shindig at the local pub with all those we didn't invite. It's our day afterall.

Have lost another 800g this week and am feeling great, apart from the last bits of my virus that are hanging around.

Had my public gynae appointment yesterday, most action I've had for a couple of months!! Things are looking good and I have been placed on public list for a tubal ligation and pelvic floor repair. I have also been advised by gynae to get the Kegelmaster 2000 out and get into it because any exercise of the va-j-j is going to help my cause.

Went to obedience training the other night and was great, learnt how much work we have to do with this dog but she is really worth it. Darling little border that she is.

So, what am I up to for the week: Planning a wedding!

Any tips on dresses, especially celtic sorts, would be much appreciated eg:

Quickly Now.....

Just a quick update. Have been busy, had Ben's rugby on Saturday morning all the way in Culverden, a good 140km from Rangiora! Nearly a 300km return trip for frickin rugby and under 7's at that!

Went out on Saturday night to the Flying Burrito Brothers. Had a lovely gluten free steak with spanish potoates and salad. Lovely meal but a bit off that we had to leave the restaurant at 8.30pm for the next sitting to come in. Felt like a beast in a cattle yard being herded out.

Dog has been a nutter and has chewed up punga logs that are bordering one of our gardens and has taken to stealing shoes and hiding them.

I had a treat size Dairy Milk chocolate bar last night and feel like shit today. That is my first really bad thing since I went gluten free. It doesn't have gluten in it but I still feel like poo bums today.

I am in the process of doing a bit of organising so I will update soon and it will hopefully be with some good news.

I am a Virgin.

I am really enjoying this gluten free thing. I have lost another 400g this week, small but very significant because .... I have my monthly visitor and I have NEVER once in my life lost weight the week of my monthly visitor. Amazing stuff.

So, this officially puts me at virgin weight status. For the first time in 6 years I am back to virgin fat. Funny thing is I feel way fatter than I did last time I was near to virgin weight. I think it has to do with the extra stretching of skin with another child and the fact that last time I was doing a lot of Tae Bo and biking.

I have definitely picked up the pace in my general life since Saffy came on the scene (we started calling her that from day one Bri, LOL!)as I take her to the park twice a day and run around with her and chase her and walk with her.

Blair takes her every night for a big walk and then does drills at the park with her.

So my goal for this week is to enjoy being a virgin again!!

Woof Woof

As you have guessed I made an impulse purchase and have finalised my family (for now) with a blue merle border collie named Saphire. I know, the name sucks bum but she is 1 year old and it's bit mean to change her name now as it seems to be the only thing she has been taught.

I'm not kidding, she doesn't know how to sit, drop, come - anything. As a friend has said "I'm a glutton for punishment".

Saphire's owner died of cancer a couple of months ago and left her dog to her two sons in their early 20's. They have shared care of her and had finally admitted defeat in giving her enough attention.

So, next Tuesday we're off to obedience training. The poor darling doesn't even like going through doors, afraid she is going to be shut in. I feel she may have been shut away for long periods of time. I have even left the garage door open with two rubbish bags sitting there and she hasn't gone near them.

So, that is my current project.

What are you spending the week working on??

Impulse Spending

There's a Hair Up My Anus, Dear Liza, Dear Liza ...

A quick but wierd one for Friday ....

My hair is falling out in great clumps.

When I wash it I can end up with at least a handful of it.

We find it all over the house.

Blair often phones me to say that he has just bitten into a sandwich I have made and there is one of my long dark hairs in it.

Last night he came out of the shower seeming a little disturbed.

"Somehow one of your hairs has worked it's way up my arse" he said.

"What?"

"I was cleaning my butt and I felt a hair and I pulled it and I could feel it squirming through my arse and when I finally got it out it was one of your long ones. How the fuck did it get up my arse?" he asked.

"You probably ate it and it's just coming out the other end" I wisely replied.

"I don't think so!" he retorts and stomps off.

What, does he think I snuck it up there? Men!!

When & How Do You Weigh?

I have had another 1kg loss this week and am stoked but, in the interests of science, I weighed again at 11am to see what the difference is between my 7am, nude weight and my mid day fully clothed and starting to retain fluid weight.

7am: 102.8kg

11am: 105.0kg

11am without clothes: 103.6kg

So there you go. This is especially to those that weigh themselves every day, sometimes morning and night, and beat themselves up about the what the scales say. I am not phased by the 11am weighin because I am the fluid retention queen. And my clothes obviously weighed a good 1.4kg. The other 800g was my fluid.

So . . . . to all those ladies that stress over a tiny gain, it can be as little a difference as what you are wearing to what time of day it is. Especially when you are pre menstrual as you retain fluid really badly. And ... if you aren't drinking enough water your body retains fluid.

I am not analysing all these numbers for my benefit as I am happy with where I am headed and where I am at, but I sometimes despair when I hear some of you other darlings worrying to death about what the scales are reading.

Do you feel better in yourself this week?

Are your clothes looser?

Is you skin clearer?

Is your face less puffy?

Do you know you were healthy and honest this week?

These are the questions you should be asking.

PS I'm as sick as a pack of wolves and am overdosing on Vit C and Cell salts. Feel much better today than yesterday and it will all have cleared up by tomorrow evening.
Keep well my peeps.

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

Buzzy morning I have had. Mary and Kate know that I have been dying to find a yoga place here in North Canterbury, but alas, all my searching has been to no avail.

The local rag was sitting on the dining table and I went to put it straight into the recycling bin, when something made me open it. There was a woman's face staring out at me. I didn't know her but she seemed familiar. I went to the page her story was on and found an article all about an accomplished dancer I had already had a conversation with on the phone with regard to getting Peta into Jazz lessons. I read on about all her experience, mother of four, dancing around the world with different dance companies, and how she had landed in North Canterbury to escape the rat race and was running her dance studio. I kept reading and, voila (lol Kate!!), she takes YOGA classes.

I phoned straight away, introduced myself and said that we had already spoken regarding dance classes for Peta but she had no spaces available and I was just ringing to put Peta on the waiting list. She laughed and said "you were supposed to phone me this morning, a little girl has just been advanced into the next level so we have space for Peta to start next term". I then went on and mentioned the Yoga. She got excited beyond belief when I explained why I wanted to start yoga, what I was studying and where my beliefs lay. She is an extremely spiritual woman and I just can't believe how one little opening of a paper has me right where I want to be in half an hour.

Put it out there people, and it will come.

What's Up With That Bitch??

On Saturday I was wandering the main street looking for a gift for my mother. I knew what I wanted but I just needed to find one.

I entered a little gift shop, sort of swanky.

Just in front of me was one of the world's best equestrian riders and his wife. I smiled (as you do when you are a fucken polite person) and proceeded deeper into the confines of the shop.

I walked up, through the ornate giftware and towards the back of the shop where I had spied some bags. I walked straight past the counter where I could not fail to notice a rather large woman, swank-stained to the hilt, black bob with a fringe, big bracelets and beads, larger than life. She sat behind the counter in a pile of uninterest. Then I noticed her nostrils start to flare, her eyebrows arched and her meticulously groomed head did a 45 degree turn in a nano second. She had sniffed out celebrity.

The mass of try-hard waddled past me at a great rate of knots, fending joe blog customers to the left and right of her as her red-lipsticked mouth formed the biggest fake smile I have ever seen in real life. I sort of pitied her in a way, as she had a shit show in hell of reaching said equestrain extraordinairre before he and his lovely wife sauntered back out of the shop, an aura of boredom surrounding them.

Did I feel offended that I, being the first customer in the shop, was completely ignored in favour of celebrity? Ok, a wee bit.

Did I expect the same level of attention to be bestowed upon myself once the 6 ft wide Adams family ring in finally got back to my end of the shop? Stupidly, yes.

Did I the "you right?", spat out in a frosty tone that the Ice Queen herself would envy, quench my thirst for some customer service? No!

Did I leave the shop on principle? You damn fucken right I did.

Tell me your customer service story

A Fitting End

I had a great Mother's Day! Woke up to kids bouncing into the room with presents and so excited to be giving them to Mum. Phoebe and Sian gave me a gumboot each. Now this is the most practical gift ever as I am a "rugby mum" now and standing on the sideline in my shoes is becoming a messy affair.

Ben gave me a wooden jewellery box, which is great as I currently have all my jewellery floating around my drawers.

Peta gave me a hanging fiery flower with a crystal in the middle. I have hung it up right where the afternoon sun will shine through it and fill my lounge with a red glow.

I had breakfast made for me.

We went to the Gypsy Fair at Dudley Park in Rangiora. I am a gypsy at heart. I love gypsy clothing and crystals and candy floss and tarot and all that is gypsy. I love house trucks. But, in reality, I couldn't stand to live in one.

I think I love the fantasy of not being constrained by society's expectations.

We then went out to Mum and Dad's and I gave Mum her beauty case I had got her for Mother's Day. She was stoked. I definitely won the present of the day award. LOL. Mum has been a great help to me for years now but this year has been so great with all the depression and helping out with the kids. I love my Mum to bits. Then we quickly departed as my sister, her family and her mother and father in law were there. Why? I do not know. We came home and watched A Series of Unfortunate Events with the kids. A bloody great movie.

Then came the fitting end to Mother's Day. I was settling my precious Sian down for bed and was giving her a bit of a cuddle and a burp . . . . . . .

AND SHE POWERCHUCKED ALL OVER MY FACE AND HAIR.

And you know what? I relished in the irony of it. This is what being a mother is about. It is nice to have presents and cards and lovely words said but the real joys of motherhood are inclusive of those little moments when you get a pile of puke in your hair. I laughed out loud and Blair thought I was nuts. That is why he is a father.

Situations Vacant

MUM - JOB DESCRIPTION

POSITION :
Mother, Mum, Mama, Mummy, Mumma, Ma

JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 kms per hr in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:
No health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered.
This job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.